So ten days ago, I weighed 197.5. Today, I weighed in at 201.

I’m sure you want to know WTF happened, right?

Well, I just started to not care anymore. I didn’t care about my goal, about all of the hard work I’ve done so far, about the things I’ve been looking forward to, about anything really. I’ve been in a deep funk with dealing with a lot of chaos and bombshells thrown my way at my job; with financial issues; and with the new round of grief from missing my mom. Mother’s Day was HARD this year. In addition to being sad because of my mom, I was trying to comfort my sister who was having the worst day.  I haven’t blogged about this yet, but she has been through the worst. 9 years ago, she was pregnant and had her son prematurely at 6 months along, he was stillborn. In 2008, she had a placental abruption while 6 months pregnant, and my nephew lived for one month only before getting Necrotizing Enterocolitis, and he passed away. So, she had to deal with double the pain of not having her children with her and not having her mom with her for Mother’s Day. She never really shows much emotion in general, she tends to keep her emotions inside, but she just couldn’t hold it in on Sunday, and my heart was so broken for her. I wished I could do anything to take away her pain.

The funny thing is, despite “not caring”, I still continued some habits like my daily walks and packing healthy meals for work. But everything else went down the tubes. I guess it could have been worse than 3.5 pounds gained if I didn’t maintain some of the habits I’ve learned. Somehow, I managed to wake myself the f**k up since last night. I will NOT go down the same path I used to. I have learned too much and come so far, and I’ll be damned if I do that to myself. I have my son’s Baptism in less than two months and my Disney trip in a little over five months. I have an entire future of being healthy to strive for. I am better than the behavior I’ve shown these past ten days.  I am NOT a quitter!

Right now, it’s back to basics. Getting the water in, completing two workouts each day, tracking my calories at myfitnesspal, and going as hard as I did four months ago. And guys? If there was ever a need for a virtual ass kicking, it would be now.

Mother's Day

When I was pregnant with Dylan, I remember feeling so excited to celebrate Mother’s Day from now on as a mommy myself. I couldn’t wait for my first Mother’s Day, and I imagined a great day planned as a family of three as well as celebrating my own mom. Little did I know I would spend my first Mother’s Day in the oncology unit at Staten Island Hospital with my mom in a bed in a room for two patients with just a curtain for privacy. Giving my mom presents, but not knowing when she would be able to enjoy them. One of my gifts was a zebra print Snuggie type of blanket. She didn’t open it until she was released from the hospital, and she brought it with her when she was taken by ambulance because she couldn’t breathe. It was on her bed the day she passed, and I kept it, although it bothers me to look at it now…but I couldn’t NOT keep it. Sometimes I’ll cuddle with it to try and feel close to her.

My second Mother’s Day will be my first Mother’s Day spent without my mom. Obviously this day will always be bittersweet for me from now on. Not how I imagined it would be while I was pregnant.

I want to share my last good memory of my mom, and it was the only time I visited her by myself at the hospital, other times there was always someone else with us. I didn’t have much time because my sister was babysitting Dylan, but I had to relieve her before the visiting hours were over, so I couldn’t take up too much time of my own. I crawled into my mom’s hospital bed with her, and she asked me to give her a massage, which I did. She was switching channels, and found the movie “Beaches” was on. She asked if I ever saw it, and couldn’t believe when I said I didn’t. So we watched it together, or more like I watched while she dozed off & on.  I could see that she was purposefully trying to distract me from everything going on, because she almost had a forced cheeriness in her voice, and she did not want to talk about the current situation. I felt like a little girl again, especially when she asked me to brush her hair, she always used to ask me to do that when I was a kid. It was strange that I felt like a kid considering I was taking care of HER, but cuddled up in the bed, brushing her hair and watching Beaches definitely made me feel that way. It felt so nice just spending time, only me and her. That hadn’t happened in years because someone was always with us, whether it was my sisters, JC, and then Dylan. This time, it was just us.

My uncle came in the room soon after, we didn’t even know he was coming. He came in crying.  My mother and I were trying to console him, and at that point I was so upset that my moment with her was broken. I think I knew deep down that special moment wouldn’t happen for us again, and I was right. The last time we were alone was right before she slipped out of consciousness and passed away. My sister had left the room to get family members, and it was just me & her. She couldn’t speak because she was on life support, and I couldn’t really speak because I was crying so hard. We both knew that is was the end, and I just didn’t know how to say goodbye to her. I finally was able to calm down enough to tell her: “You know you’re my everything, right?” and she nodded. Then I told her how much I loved her. Right after, my sister came in as well as the doctors. Soon after, she was sedated.

I thank God that we had that last moment. Of course, I can never see Beaches without thinking of my mom, but even that I’m grateful for. From that point on, Beaches will always be “our” movie.

TMI Alert!

So before I got pregnant with my son, I had trouble ovulating. My cycle wasn’t that regular, and I would take ovulation tests to determine when I do, and I wouldn’t get a positive. I’m sure I would ovulate certain months, but not every cycle. My doctor gave me Clomid to induce ovulation when we were ready to try, and that helped me. Maybe too much because I was hyper stimulated and in pain, but it helped me to get pregnant so I didn’t mind!

Last month, around ovulation time, I experienced a lot of discomfort. I actually cried one night because the pain was getting intense, I was incredibly bloated, and the scale went up a few pounds. It went away pretty quickly. Once again, I am ovulating, and the discomfort is worse than any cramps I used to get with my period, which were bad. The scale went up three pounds, my lower abdomen is very bloated, I have a lot of headaches. I know that it will pass in a couple of days, but it’s so strange to be experiencing these symptoms now after all these years. I wonder if losing weight is helping me to ovulate regularly, and if so, I wonder why I feel it SO strongly? Maybe it's because I had a baby? I have worse pain now than with my period, it’s strange! Has anyone else experienced the same since losing weight? I am happy to be ovulating on my own, I hope that continues until we try for another baby!

The 2012 PC Walk

The walk was a great success! All in all, we raised almost $1400 to go towards pancreatic cancer research. The weather was great, and we walked along the water which was so nice. Everyone had a great time, and it felt so nice doing it in my mom's memory. We all felt her presence!

My son, he was such a trooper the whole day!

We saw orange monarch butterflies the entire day, and before we walked this butterfly kepy flying onto us and the sign we made. Any time we see orange butterflies, we always think of our mom, she had red hair.

My sister (blonde) and I 

I weighed in on Saturday, because I didn't want to forget yesterday with everything going on and having to get up so early. I weighed 197.5, so I lost 3.5 for the week!

Lighter

Yesterday, my MIL told me something while I was leaving her house to bring home the baby. She said, “You look lighter”. So I said, “I hope so!” and laughed. But she explained further in her Spanglish that I look like I just feel lighter and happier. She summed it up right there. I do, I feel a million times better than I did back in January. I ALMOST forget how bad I felt back then, in a strange way it feels like a distant memory. It’s only been 4 months, so it’s not a distant memory of course, but I changed my entire life by taking those first steps in January.

In January, I wore a size 24. My heels hurt when I would wake up from plantar fasciitis. I would literally hobble out of bed. I weighed 249. I didn’t want to make plans with anyone out of shame and embarrassment from being the biggest I have ever been. At 32 years old, I felt 62 years old.

I started this blog on January 17^th, and that same day was when I began my real changes. I started walking during lunch, and have never missed one day. I walked during the coldest days of winter, in the rain, if I was sick, if I was tired. I started out a little slow, and was out of breath quite frequently. As time passed, I was able to speed walk and I never feel out of breath. I walk 36 blocks each day during my lunch break.

I also pack my food for work each day. I always have my healthy meals and snacks available. Like the saying goes, if you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

Now, I wear a size 16, soon to be 14 I’m sure. I don’t feel pain in my feet when I wake up anymore. I just get up and go. I don’t hesitate to make social plans, I don’t think twice about it. I love trying new fitness related things. I feel like a 32 year old again, I feel pretty and girlie. I love fitting into clothes that I haven’t worn in 5 years.

I’m not saying any of this to brag, because NOTHING I have done is outrageous or even that hard. I have not mastered the art of weight loss and getting healthy, I am the farthest thing from an expert, and I definitely do NOT have all the answers. I have so much more to learn, and so much more to go. I still have a little lingering fear that I will fall off track completely out of nowhere.  I’d say the hardest part is keeping up my mojo during the days that I don’t feel like it, but I read a quote that said something like “When you don’t have enough motivation, you need to have determination”. I would always try to remember that during those days to keep fighting. I’m not close to my goal weight, not at all, but I’m learning that this HAS to become a change for life. If not, I will be right back to square one. So I am learning to find changes I can live with forever, not just until I get to my goal. I never want to see myself like I was four months ago. Never. If I have to fight for the rest of my life, than I will! The alternative is far, far worse!

On Christmas day, sitting at the table with my sister, her boyfriend and my cousin, I said to them: “2012 is the year I will lose this weight. You heard it here first, people”. I believed in what I was saying, because I couldn’t envision continuing the rest of my life out of shape, obese and on the way to getting sick. I needed it to be true.

This is only the beginning for me, I still have quite a ways to go before I get to my goal. However, I don’t stress about that because these changes have become part of me. This new me is slowlyyyy becoming the real me. Do you know what I mean?

Finally! :) :)

Stopping by for a quickie while I have a chance, I have to tell you guys that I weighed in at 199 this morning!!!!!! 50 pounds lost, and much more to go, but I hit Onederland!!!!!

I got my groove back yesterday, drank plenty of water, exercised twice, and kept up my routine, and made myself get back into a positive mindset. My own personal goal was to hit 199 for my cancer walk in memory of my mom, which is Sunday. It felt like I was dedicating that goal to her, and that she would be even more proud of me during the walk because I did it! I can only hope that she can somehow know what’s happening with us, and that it makes her happy.

So I’m ready to rock out this new month! Summer’s around the corner!

Wiped out.

I.Am.Exhausted.

First day on the "new" job went well for the most part. I did not get one moment to relax, I was busy every single minute. In a way, I liked it. The day flew so quickly, and I could get used to this faster pace. We shall see.

I have to get my footing back. I was not able to drink my usual amount of water today because it was just so crazy, and I have to get someone to cover my desk if I step to the restroom, so I just couldn't seem to get it together today. Also, I have to do a shorter walk during lunch because of my new position. Things are a little topsy-turvy because of it, but I will adjust. If I am anything, I am resilient. I'm not hard on myself today, but I will not accept any excuses from myself going forward.

All in all, I think this change is going to be good for me!