Friday, June 29, 2012

Sometimes I feel like a house built out of cards. One of these days, everything is going to come crashing down, and I am going to lose it. I have way too much going on right now, and am finding it increasingly difficult to deal with it all. The latest has to do with Dylan. I mentioned to the Pediatrician a little while ago that I was concerned over his delay in speech, and she gave me info to contact Early Intervention. I have had his case worker over last weekend to meet Dylan, and a speech pathologist came over last night. He expressed a little concern that Dylan may show signs of having Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). He has a few symptoms of it, like not being as verbal as toddlers are at his age, not as much eye contact, and likes to play independently. But he is not sure because Dylan DID make eye contact with him, but he was very focused on the toys he brought out for him. Also Dylan loves affection and physical contact, he gives me kisses and loves hugs. He is very interactive with me, and is always making eye contact with me. So basically, the pathologist was not sure. There is a teacher coming over tomorrow afternoon to meet him, and Dylan’s caseworker said she will have the child psychologist contact me very soon to make an appointment, because that is who can make the determination over whether he has a problem.

The caseworker was upset that the pathologist told me his opinion because she said he is not qualified to say that, but then she told me there was one thing that made her think of PDD that Dylan did when she met him as well. So that made me feel even more nervous. But she said if it turns out that he does have it, it would be a very mild case, and they will give him tons of services to help him out.

I am doing whatever I can for my son, and while I hope they tell me he doesn’t have PDD or Autism, if he does, I will do anything I can to help him and advocate for him. I am so scared. All I want is for my son to lead a normal, happy life. While they are reassuring me he will, I grew up with a severely disabled sister, so my mind can’t help but jump to the worst. I feel like my world has changed completely since last night, and I am so scared. I love my son more than ANYTHING, and I want the best for him, like any mom. I haven’t talked about this except with my sister, who actually has a Master’s in Special Education and has worked with autistic children. She told me she doesn’t believe Dylan has either disorder, but if he does it would be very mild. I hope she is right. At times like this, I REALLY wish I could call my mom.

I know it is not the worst thing in the world to deal with, but I am still scared.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

A dream deferred

So, I’ve come to the conclusion that I have no choice but to postpone my WDW trip until February or March, probably March. The trip is paid in full, but money I had set aside for plane fare and spending money had to get used for other things. I am disappointed, I was so looking forward to spending Dylan’s birthday, Halloween and my birthday at Disney. I am waiting for the end of summer to choose the dates, because I want to see when free dining will (hopefully) be offered, and they usually give the dates in August.

I’m sad I can’t meet up with you Rae Rae!!!!!

Well, I have to look on the bright side. It gives me a few extra months to save money, and get down to my ultimate goal weight. I will also have my tax refund to help out. I would rather go without feeling stressed about money. Like I mentioned before, the resort and park tickets are paid for, so I am definitely going. I will have to pay more towards the package because we will be going during peak season, but at this point I don’t care. Especially if we get free dining!

I weighed 199.5 this morning. At least I’m back (barely) under 200. I’ve lost 5.5 pounds in two days, so I must have been retaining a lot of water!

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Mommy & Son: Then & Now

Wow, we've both changed!

October 2011

May 2012

Welcome back summer!

God, I feel so much better. I love getting a chance to start fresh. I was right on point yesterday, and I weighed 202 this morning – three pounds down from yesterday. I just got my period today, so it will probably go down a little more in a few days. Mentally, I feel refreshed and excited to be back on track.

So today is the first day of summer, woot-woot! It seems like the 80’s style is coming back, but only the good parts like off-the-shoulder tops and NEON!!! This makes my heart happy, I love neon! I need to get some neon pink in my wardrobe right away, but until then I will settle for some neon pink toes at my next pedicure.

There is some drama and craziness going on right now in my old department, I am so glad I jumped ship. I may have double the work, but at least I have some peace of mind. Plus, my new department is half men and women, the girls upstairs could use some testosterone in their lives. Working with only women is not a good time! I felt like I was in Mean Girls 2 when I was upstairs.

Well, today is going to be HOT in NYC, but I have to do my lunchtime walk. Hope it goes well!

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Day One

I am starting over, beginning today. In these past few weeks, I have had great days and then really bad ones. I have had good intentions, and then let them go over and over. I have been under an ENORMOUS amount of stress due to finances because of unexpected things that have popped up and it has been very difficult. I always find a way to resolve things, and it always works out, but in the mean time I have lost almost all of my will and motivation. It’s like, I can have strength for so many things, but not all at the same time. That’s ridiculous to me, I need to be strong in ALL areas of my life.

I’m not writing this for you guys to hold my hand or even virtually kick my ass because you’ve done enough for me in all this time. I am writing this to be accountable and honest. I am starting over with a clean slate today. I weighed in at 205 this morning. There is no way I will reach my goal of 185 by July 8th for the Christening. I am not going to set a specific weight goal by a certain time frame anymore. I am just focusing on doing what worked for me all of this time up until recently: tracking my food intake, exercising twice a day, drinking only water, seltzer & unsweetened tea. I am going to weigh in here every Sunday. Thank you guys for being there for me in the past, and hopefully giving me a second chance at this.

Monday, June 11, 2012

I have to start working on this...

For Christmas, my SIL gave me a $30 gift card to Lane Bryant. For some reason, I did not want to use it until I could wear the smallest size in the store, a 14. At the time, I was a size 24. I put the card in my wallet, and refused to touch it until then.

A little less than 6 months later, I bought a size 14 yesterday. I tried on a few styles in that size to make sure I was in fact a size 14. I was finally able to use the card!

I have been experiencing a lack of confidence lately, but I have to step back and be proud of what I have accomplished. I can’t forget where I started out from during those days that I feel a little down on myself for not quite being out of plus sizes yet.

I think the universe is trying to shake me out of the little confidence funk I've been in. On Friday, an elderly Russian lady called me beautiful during my walk. This morning while I was walking from the garage to my office, a guy called me beautiful and asked if he could take me out (of course not interested, but it felt nice! LOL). In many ways, I still feel like I’m a size 24 and 249 pounds. Logically, I know I’m not…but emotionally is a different story sometimes. It is definitely something I have to work on!

Friday, June 8, 2012

30 Days!!

I’m ba-a-a-a-ck!

As you might suspect, things have been really hectic for me. At work, at home, events, stress. I’m exhausted from everything I have going on at the moment. But despite all of that, I am setting up a 30 day challenge for myself. In a month from today, I will be celebrating my son’s Christening. As I wrote about before, I want to look and feel great that day, especially because I’m having a photographer to capture the moments! I want to get down to 185, and I know it’s definitely in my reach. So, I am going to commit to doing at least one hard workout each day for this entire month. I am in the mood to step it up with fitness, so I am going to use some of you as inspiration, especially Kelly, Norma and Jenn. You guys never slack off even when things are a little rocky!

I am going to try to be more involved with blogging as before, I used to have more time during work hours, but now I have double the work so it’s not as easy. I miss you guys!!!

So, 30 days to get down to 185. I can do this!!