So, I have another blog that I've written on for a long time, since 2009. These days, I blog over there because it focuses on my family life, especially my son. Feel free to check it out if you would like updates on us. I mainly blog about him over there because it doesn't feel right to always write about him on my weight loss blog. Writing over there is giving me a valuable outlet and helps me process everything going on. I actually feel very vulnerable sharing it, but you guys have gotten to know me well enough to share it.

You can click HERE for Mina's Musings.

I'm alive {and well!}

Hi guys!

I realized it's been a month since my last post, so I wanted to write a quick update. I'm actually doing really well with my diet, I have been exercising every day, and I am feeling a lot better about myself. Waking up early to do it, if I can't do it later in the day. I feel very centered, and focused. But the thing is, I haven't been wanting to blog about it. I was tired of repeating the same thing each time I refocused myself. I was annoying myself, and became over it. I just wanted to do the work, and stop talking about it. I wanted to take myself seriously again.

At this point, I just want to get it done. So I am. The weight is dropping off again, like the old days. I may not blog here again for a while, but I will check back in soon!

Hugs to you guys xoxo

I had to work through my lunch break yesterday because I had to leave at 4pm for my monthly family meeting with Dylan’s therapists, so I didn’t get to do my lunch time walk. However, I was NOT about to let that get me off my game! After the meeting, the speech therapy, and cooking dinner, I put Dylan in his stroller and took a jog/walk for an hour at 8:30pm. The dog needed a walk, so I took her with us. Chloe kept wanting to sniff at everything, and bark/lunge at anything that moved, but I still got my sweat on even though we looked like quite a sight LOL. I really wanted to do a workout DVD, but Dylan wanted my attention and the dog needed to pee, so I killed three birds with one stone. I even practiced with Dylan his sounds during the walk. Moms know how to multi-task! LOL

I weighed 210 this morning, and I’m firmly back on track.

So, I’ve taken down the Disney pics, changed my blog description, and changed my ticker. I am starting fresh, here and now. I created a new goal for myself yesterday, and that is to lose 40 pounds by January 1^st. At this point, I don’t care about the original goals I had this January, or the trip we were supposed to have. I’m looking ahead to the future, and I want MORE, damn it. I want more for myself than what has taken place this summer. I’m not going to go over & over why I let myself get so derailed these past few months. You guys know more about me than even my some of my closest friends & family. You know what’s been going on, I don’t need to explain. I worked HARD to get to where I got, and I haven't felt that good in years! I am not going to throw it all away!!

I’m not a failure, and I do not give up. I may FUCK up, but I don’t ever GIVE up. That is not in me, and if you’ve gotten to know me through this blog, than you know that. I may be a sucker for Disney; into glitter, pink, and all things girly; obsessed with my son…..but inside all of this is a strong woman who can do what she sets out to do.

I’m pissed at myself, I’m angry for letting it happen, and I am not letting it continue.

I weighed in at 213.5 yesterday, put a stop to all the crap right then and there, and got back to work. I weighed 212 this morning, and I am going to weigh less than 210 by Monday. I'm not turning back.

It is beautiful in Queens this morning! The air is nice and crisp, and I needed a blanket last night, love it. This weekend was really nice. We were going to go to a park fair with JC’s daughter, granddaughter and mom on Saturday, but they cancelled it so we ended up going to Luna Park in Coney Island. They really cleaned up Coney Island compared to how it was when I was growing up, but I kind of missed the real Coney. Anyway, the kids had a blast, Dylan LOVED the train and boat ride. The boat ride operator even gave him a free ride when it was over. Yesterday we chilled in the house all morning and then left the house to do laundry and food shopping in the afternoon. Dylan didn’t take a nap all day, so for the first time in forever he fell asleep at 7:30 on the way home, and slept through the night. JC and I took advantage, and watched Big Brother (our favorite show, don’t judge LOL) and the movie What to Expect When You’re Expecting (we bought a great bootleg copy).

Dylan is becoming more communicative with me in his own way. He can’t verbalize requests, but now he pulls me in the direction of something he wants and then points towards it. I like it, because it feels good that he can show me what he wants. He is truly blossoming thanks to the therapies. He loves my attention now, and he actually looks for me to be involved in his play. Previously, I would try to be, but it felt like he didn’t want that. Now, he doesn’t like it if I’m focused on something else other than him LOL. I love it. I feel like I can open the door to his world. Another thing is his memory is astounding. I can label a whole bunch of things in a book that he’s never seen before, one time, and when I say the name of each item, he will point to them all correctly. It’s fascinating to see how much he knows, since he can’t really speak. He still says “Ellie” and “Mama”, can now say “That” and can say “Moo” (not perfectly, but in his own way) when we say “The cow says:”. Little by little, he’s getting there!

My sister told me for my birthday in November, she is going to give me an interesting gift. She said not fun, but she thinks it will be useful. She said she is going to pay for me to take the teacher’s assistant exam in February, and she will also buy me the book to study for it. I never thought of becoming a teacher’s assistant, but the more I think about it, the more I like the idea. It would give me something else to fall back on, and I would love to get out of doing typical office work. I’m getting excited to take the test, but now I feel a lot of pressure to pass since it was a gift! LOL Anyway, she is a teacher, so maybe she can suggest avenues to get my foot in the door at the Board of Ed. Maybe I can assist in a special needs class, I would like that.

So, I packed an apple, an orange, some carrot sticks, and a pepper turkey and provolone with mustard on a whole grain sandwich thin for work. Drinking water and herbal tea all day, and looking forward to my fast walk at lunch time. I’m getting back into that healthy frame of mind, and it feels amazing. Things are starting to feel good again for me. JC’s mom has calmed down a lot after JC talked to her. Dylan is doing great. JC and I are in a good place. Things are looking up.

When we were at the park with JC’s family last Sunday, Dylan did the cutest thing. JC’s niece has a 3 month old baby, and JC was holding him next to me while I was holding Dylan. I told my son, “Look at the baby! Give the baby a kiss” which he proceeded to do THREE TIMES gently. Then he pointed at him, which is the gesture he gives us when he wants something. As if my 2^nd baby fever wasn’t strong enough, right?

JC and I finally made a decision this morning about if and when we should try for another baby. We are going to try in May! This means a lot of preparation on my part to get ready. I am going to do exactly what I did last time in hopes that we will be successful again. That means cutting out all caffeine, no alcohol (which is not hard because I never drink anymore LOL), lots of immune boosting fruit and vegetables, prenatal vitamins a few months prior to insure that I have enough folic acid in my body for a baby’s development, tracking my temps and ovulation prior to trying. I had to take Clomid when we tried because I wasn’t ovulating regularly and wanted to make sure I did for the try. If I am not ovulating regularly this time around, I will definitely take it again. I did whatever I could to give me the best chance last time, and I am absolutely going to do the same this time around.

Despite all the chaos these past few months, I am ready to start this planning stage. We both want another baby, we both want Dylan to grow up with a sibling and we both want to grow our family. We have to rely on frozen goods to make this happen, so I don’t want to wait too long to make our chances even harder. I’m going to be 33 in two months, and getting closer to 34 when we do try. It worked for us on the first try with Dylan, but who knows how long it can take the next time. I am really happy that JC and I are finally on the same page about when to go for it!  We saved ALL of Dylan’s baby things, so we won’t have to buy anything except diapers, wipes, and some clothes if we have a girl instead of a boy. If we have a boy, he is set for the first two years of his life, we have so many clothes!

I had 2 hardboiled eggs with whole wheat toast this morning and am sipping on some decaf tea. I’m already cutting out the caffeine, and I still have 8 months to go until we try! Jeez, can I be any more excited?? I’m such a dork, I know.

God, I needed that long weekend.

Thanks to your comments, and quality time with my family for three straight days, I am feeling like a human being again. On Saturday, I told JC how I was feeling, and she promised to talk to her mother and get her to relax a little bit. She said she understood where I was coming from, and she would do what she can to help me.

I have never been that close to a breakdown, and it wasn’t pretty. All day Friday at work, I kept crying at random times at my desk. I felt so desperate, and didn’t know how to feel better. I literally sobbed while in my parked car before picking up Dylan, and it felt so cathartic.

Spending those three days with Dylan and JC felt SO good. We saw my sisters on Saturday, and went to the park on Sunday with JC’s family for a potluck picnic, and I spent the majority of the time there with Dylan at the playground and sprinklers. For the first time EVER, Dylan interacted with another kid he didn’t know! Well, he didn’t exactly play, but he went up to him pointed at the Disney characters on his t-shirt. It was so cute! LOL

Dylan is the best therapy I have. Playing with him, seeing him smile and his hugs & kisses are the best form of medicine.

I am feeling more like myself, and much more centered. I can’t let myself ever get back to that desperate feeling that I had last week. I don’t think I will take any antidepressants in the near future, because like Norma had commented, I think I was suffering from anxiety more than depression.

I took a nice, very fast power walk during my lunch break. It felt so freaking good to feel my muscles twitching from the exercise when I got back to my desk. I brought my healthy food for breakfast and lunch. I am getting back to business. The Fall is almost here, and I’m ready to move on from the “Summer of Hell” ©. I had a very tough time mentally last week, but I am not about to let myself go down like that. I will NEVER give up completely.

I have attempted to post nearly every day this week. I have written up drafts, but nothing feels right. Honestly, I’m not in a great place mentally and I don’t feel that I have much to contribute at the moment.

At some point, I will need to change the name of this blog, because we’re not going to Disney. We had to cancel the trip to help pay for our rent and utility bills, because JC’s job has fucked with her paycheck three times in the past month and a half by paying her 5 days late twice, and then “forgetting” to pay her for the PTO time when she was out on surgery. We had no choice but to get a refund for the trip because we needed the money because of her job. The same trip I cried over when I paid it in full back in February. The first trip we would have had together in over 9 years. I cried after calling to cancel it.

I’m so over everything, you have no idea.

I desperately need a break from work now more than ever, I haven’t had any vacation time off at all since my maternity leave two years ago. Last year, all my PTO days got used up from my mom being sick and passing away. I had no days left by June, so no time off just for a break. This year, it looks like the same may happen again with all the days I’ve had to take off for evaluations, appointments and meetings for Dylan. I don’t think I will have enough time left to take a week off. I need time off from this place!

I’m also dealing with crap from JC’s mom. Lately, she is getting bitchy because we don’t “spend enough time with her”. I used to spend hours there every single night when picking up Dylan. Being her own personal shrink, and listening to the same complaints about her family every night. I can’t do that every night anymore because Dylan has therapy most nights and I have to rush home to make it in time. When he doesn’t have therapy, I spend time with her, like Tuesday night. She spent all of that time complaining that “no one care about her, so she will care about no one”, all because we didn’t have time to entertain her over the weekend because we had things we HAD to do like laundry, food shopping, clean, etc. We do not have time during the week! Usually JC will run her around all day Saturday, doing whatever she wants to do, and will often bring her over to spend the night. If she’s not doing that, than her sister will do it. But we all had our hands full this weekend, and couldn’t. She wasn’t suffering alone, she spent all day Saturday with her sister, having a great time (in her own words), and spent Sunday with her (much younger) boyfriend. But all week, she has had an attitude when I go pick up Dylan because we didn’t spend time with her this ONE weekend.

I’m over this shit.

I am juggling working 40 hours a week, with two different job responsibilities at work. When Dylan doesn’t have therapy, I have “homework” that I have to do with him on my own, and keep records of everything and his progress. I have a home to take care of, and pets to care for. My weekends are completely full. I have to do all of the household chores that I can’t do Monday through Friday because I have therapists in my house and I need to be involved in the sessions so I can carry it over into our every day life. I also have to set time for Dylan to just be A KID. I have to give him time to play at the park, things like that. Soon it will be cold out, so I have to let him enjoy the warm weather as much as he can. I also spend time with JC’s mom the nights he doesn’t have therapy, and most weekends on a Saturday. What more does she want, my blood??? Are we not entitled to spend a little time as a family of three sometimes?? I really do love her and care about her, but I can’t see why she doesn’t put herself in our shoes and stop making things even harder for us. We are doing the best we can!

Guys, I am trying. I am trying to keep my head high and a positive attitude. It’s becoming HARD to do it. For the first time in my 32 years of living, I am seriously considering taking an anti-depressant. I don’t want to, but my mind is going in a million directions. I’m not superwoman, I can’t be all things for all people! The most important thing to me is my son, and being there for HIM. I feel stretched to my capacity, and don’t know how much more I can take before I break.

For the love of Pocoyo

On to a lighter topic finally: birthday parties!!

For Dylan’s 1^st birthday party, we went all out. We had it at a catering hall, 50 people, DJ, balloon twister and a photographer. It was a Dr. Seuss theme, and I went crazy with the invites, favors and decorations. I had SO much fun planning it!

In two months, Dylan will turn 2, so of course I’ve been wondering what to do this year. We decided to have it in the apartment because there is no way we could do a huge party this time around. Which means much less guests invited, but I think Dylan will enjoy it way more in our home with family and close friends. I chose a Pocoyo theme because that has been Dylan’s number one cartoon since he was 6 months old. I kinda wanted to go with something easier like Mickey Mouse or Thomas the Tank because you can find party stuff at any store, and I remembered how hard it was to find Dr. Seuss stuff. But considering that one of Dylan’s few words thus far is “Elly” which is a character from Pocoyo, and it IS his favorite, I made it my mission to have that theme.

For whatever reason, they don’t seem to sell Pocoyo birthday party supplies in this country except for a FEW things you can find on Ebay. I finally came across an online party store in Spain that would ship to the U.S. Their prices were pretty reasonable, but I had to pay $38 for shipping. I thought it wasn’t too bad of a deal in order to give Dylan a birthday party he would really love. And Pocoyo, he does love. He actually spins in circles with a huge grin on his face when it comes on.

Am I the only nutcase when it comes to birthday parties?? Please tell me I’m not alone! LOL

His invitation, the purple box has the party info, which I edited out :)



Thank you!!

Okay, back for a second post.

Dylan’s ABA therapist called me so excited to tell me that their session was amazing today, he has pointed on his own 90% of the time and he actually said the word “car”!!!!! This is HUGE!!!! He has only been in speech and ABA for one week, and has progressed in leaps & bounds already! The ABA therapist said she could see I worked all weekend with him on pointing for items, because he improved drastically since Friday! She and I were both so happy over the phone and PROUD of him!

Your comments, her phone call, are all driving home the point that I can’t drive myself to the ground. He is progressing so much, and I am doing the best I can for him, but what good will I be to him if I am not here?! It’s hard sometimes to feel powerless for your own child, I almost feel desperate to do anything for him at all. Yet, with just a little time and help, he is doing so much all on his own without his mommy! I’m not a doctor nor therapist, all I can do is ensure that he is getting the right care and to do my part. If I eat well and exercise, I will have so much more energy to take on whatever I have to for him. I know this deep down, but why didn’t I practice it? If only I would have fought for myself as much as I do for Dylan.

I don’t want to be a cliché blogger, I don’t want to disappoint you all and I don’t want to disappoint myself.  

Trying to find balance

As my focus has been 100% on my son, my newly found confidence and habits have been slowly chipped away. I can honestly say that since June and getting involved in Early Intervention, I just haven’t given a **** about myself. I did not care about what I ate. I did not care about doing my walks. Honestly, I was just trying to get through each day. I have spent countless hours online researching autism, therapies, programs, etc. I have been on the phone calling resources and groups. I have been spending my free time with my son practicing what I have learned to engage him. I have felt enormously guilty on NOT spending any moment I have to myself doing anything other than what I listed above.

“How dare I do something else while time is wasting as we speak, and my son needs all the help I can give him?? I am his advocate!”

That has been my internal thought since finding out about his diagnosis.

No wonder I have had chest palpitations and anxiety. No wonder his speech pathologist keeps telling me to RELAX and that things will be okay. She said I have to take more time for me and not feel guilty for it. She said that she appreciates how involved I am because many parents she sees do not even sit in on the session, and all they care about is collecting the disability check for their kid, but she says I am on the opposite side of the spectrum and I am getting consumed with it all. She said she can see how much I want to be there for him and help him, but I’m going to burn myself out in the mean time.

Yes, it appears I am becoming THAT mom.

I woke up yesterday morning resolved to keep working on me in addition to being there completely for my son. I packed the healthy food. I walked fast during lunch. I am doing the same today. I have to force myself to continue on the path to healthiness. I see things falling into place for us. Dylan is doing SO well in his therapy sessions, and is trying so hard to learn new things. I have to force myself to relax like Linda said. I can be his “warrior” and still work on myself at the same time. I have to learn balance. Since May, I have gained 10 pounds back from my lowest of 197. I was starting to grow ambivalent about my weight because I almost see myself as a non-factor. I KNOW how bad that sounds, trust me!

Basically, I have to fake it until I make it. I have to just do it.

You guys!! I’m so happy and excited! Dylan had his first speech therapy session last night. The Speech Pathologist Linda was awesome!! She knows her stuff, she loved Dylan off the bat, and she stayed at my house talking for two hours, even though she is only paid for 30 minutes. She is a 64 year old true Southern lady, and she had loads of experience. Doctors even contact her for their own children. She said her entire life is dedicated to her work, and even though she’s at the point where she doesn’t have to work anymore, she loves what she does. She even has a fiancé waiting for her back in South Carolina, but he was a Mayo Clinic doctor and understands her dedication. She said she is in it for the long haul with Dylan for no matter how long it takes. She said if there is ever anything worrying me about him, even not related to speech to call her any time of the day or night and she will be there for me. She said for some reason she takes a strong liking to him because Dylan reminds her of her father who passed away, and that he is the prettiest baby she has ever worked with in all her years. She said his red hair, brown eyes and dimples are going to do her in LOL.

He LOVED her back! He kept laughing at her and smiling at her, and she got him to follow a lot of gestures, some with her help. He did things he’s never done before with her. She said she believes he also has Verbal Dyspraxia, which she said he involuntary cannot get his mouth to say many things. She said not to worry because she has taught many kids with that diagnosis to talk in sentences. She said she can see that he does have Autism, but she said it is mild compared to many of her patients that bang their head on the walls, will not look at her, and scream if touched. She said he has so much potential, he will do well, and she can see already how bright he is. She said she can see how much he seeks me out, and loves my affection, so that is a great thing.

I loved this woman SO much, she is all business and is very methodical in her teaching. She gave me homework to do with him, and I have to keep perfect records of what he does and when he does it. She said she keeps data on file of all progress. I love finally having something I can DO, instead of worrying what to do. I feel empowered now! She said she is going to push for him to get 4-5 days a week instead of three. She also gave me the rundown of how the other therapists should behave, and what to look for. When I told her that I think God sent her our way (my coordinator begged her to take on the case because she knew Dylan would progress with her), she said she doesn’t hear that with a cold heart and she believes in God as well, and believes the same thing.

Okay, that ends my rave of Linda! I have two GREAT therapists on Dylan’s team so far! I am so happy I feel like crying at my desk right now. So happy!! I promise not to talk so much about the therapists in the future, but this is the best thing that has happened to me since Dylan was born! I feel very lucky!!

Yesterday began Dylan's first ABA therapy session, he will get it two hours a day, Monday through Friday (for now). It was at JC’s mom’s house, because the therapist could only see him from 10:30-12:30 because of her schedule.

The feedback she gave me was great, she texted me afterward. She said, he was so sweet and comfortable with her, enjoyed all her activities. She said she lightly targeted increasing his eye contact with response to his name and having him point in exchange for desired items as she labeled them. She said she provided appropriate functional phrase cues for him in all situations. She said he has some imitation skills and clapped for her when he did good things (which he does for me also). She said he was very cute and has LOTS of potential. She said he only cried when she was leaving with her train set, he actually took it out of her bag and tried to hide it! LOL

She told my MIL that he is very intelligent and she thinks/hopes with some time and help, he won't even need services anymore. She said he cooperated with her and listened to her. He even waved bye bye to her at her prompting! He must love her, because I can't even get him to do that! :)

Now, I wasn't expecting such great feedback, that it almost takes me off guard! I am almost afraid to get my hopes up! He starts his Speech therapy tonight as well, so I guess I will get more feedback there. I expect it to not go as well since he only says two words currently. But I am hopeful that will change! The Speech Therapist is hysterical, she's a 64 year old lady recruited from North Carolina to NYC for her experience with kids like Dylan, and she lives a few blocks away from me! She has a great sense of humor, and told me she is going to be there for us.

I have been praying to God that the right therapists with the right help would come our way, and it seems like that is happening. I hope this is the start to great things for him! I am still waiting for them to find an OT therapist for him, hopefully that person will be just right for Dylan too.

I have been experiencing A LOT of anxiety lately, in the form of my chest feeling tight or my heart skipping beats. I think once we fall into our routine it will be okay, but it's been a little nerve wracking waiting to hear from all the therapists and find out what the schedule is. JC's mom is not thrilled with the ABA therapy at her house right now, but I'm hoping she'll get used to it until we find another solution. I just want to settle into our new "normal".

I know this blog is becoming all about my son, but right now this is my outlet and really this is all I can focus on at the moment. It helps to let out to you guys what's going on, and to work out how I feel. I know things will fall into place for us, but it's very new right now so thanks for letting me "talk" about my little man so much and being there for me!

Most of the time, I am a pretty optimistic person. I believe I can eventually overcome anything thrown my way. I believe that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. But sometimes, things catch up to me and I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I kinda felt that way yesterday, for no obvious reason except just a lot on my mind about Dylan. When I was driving home from work, I just cried and let out my fears to God. Yes, I talk to God. Yes, I know he doesn’t talk back LOL, but I think He does listen in.

I know I talk about God a lot on my blog, but my faith in God has been the thing that has gotten me through a lot in my life, and to not acknowledge that would be wrong of me. I am not ashamed or embarrassed of it.

When Dylan and I got home, he did a few things he’s never done before. I usually carry him into our place when we are coming because he tries to run away and I am carrying all our bags so I get scared, but this time I let him walk. He actually knew where we lived and walked up the steps. Without me prompting him or directing him. I’ve never actually pointed out to him where we live, but he knew anyway. Later on, he let me play with him with his pirate ship. He didn’t actually play with me, but he didn’t run away to do something else and he joined in. Then I started cleaning up some toys in one of his baskets, he helped me and when I asked him to put the basket away (not thinking he would even know what I was asking because I never asked him before), he put it on the shelf where it belongs! Then, he got so happy when I put on Thomas & Friends on the TV, he ran up to give me a hug. Then, he actually sat with me while I pointed out items in a picture book and quietly listened while I showed each picture. Then, I let him come on my bed to jump around, which I tend not to do because he has a little meltdown when I try to take him off, but after a little while I said “Okay, do you want a bath now?” and he just looked at me and let me take him off the bed and than ran to the bathroom ahead of me. Even though he couldn’t communicate to me, it shows me just how much he does comprehend, and once he (hopefully) learns to talk, he will progress so much!

Now, all of these things probably sound really minor and simple if you have kids, but the fact that Dylan having autism did so many things he’s never done before, and did it all in one night was so remarkable to me. I was sooooooooo proud of my little man. I started my day feeling sad and out of sorts, and ended my day feeling joyful and hopeful. It may be just a coincidence, but something tells me the big man upstairs had a hand in showing me just how much potential Dylan really does have.

Dylan's Baptism

Hello!

Peeking at my Grandma

Peek-a-boo!

Next to my Godmother, my Aunt Jenn!

Getting ready for the big moment!

Loves my kisses from Mama JC

With my Godparents

Oh boy, it begins!

Help!

I made it through!

Loving on my Mommy

My Mommy with her Goddaughter Haley

Trying to make a run for it!

My Godparents

Getting into mischief

The whole crew



My Mommy with Aunt Jenn



Mommy with my sister Rosie (Mama JC's daughter)

My Godparents, parents and I



The Three Musketeers

Thanks for checking out my pics!

Love, Dylan



Yesterday was Dylan’s first IFSP (Individual Family Service Plan) meeting, and it went GREAT! The meeting was attended by my family of three, Early Intervention coordinator and social worker and someone from NYC board of Early Intervention services to grant the services to me. The lady from the city loved my family for some reason, and gave us even more services then they usually do, instead of Speech and OT therapy twice a week he will get it three times a week in addition to the 10 hours of ABA therapy (until he gets a little older and will be 20) a week. Early Intervention seemed surprised that she gave us so much, the social worker said: “Really?! Wow!”…So I take it that means the meeting was a success for us! Yayyyy for Dylan!!

Thennnn, I saw some info on my coupon saving groups online that they suspected Target’s twice a year unadvertised 70% off certain toys clearance was on. So I hustled to the nearest one to see if I could score a couple of things for Dylan’s birthday and Christmas and I hit the jackpot. I got a Thomas the train track set for $13 and Jungle Junction track set for $15! They were originally $50 each! I would have bought them for him anyway as gifts, but I saved $70. These sets are SO expensive, but he loves them, so I almost did a jig in the aisle. One for his birthday and one for Christmas. Just need to buy him a few extras and he will be set.

And now today is Friday, so the weekend’s almost here! The weather is looking sketchy this weekend so I may not be able to go to the pow wow, but we’ll find something fun to do. I got the CD of pics last night from the Baptism so I will share some with you guys this weekend if I can. I didn't cry when I saw the pics, so glad I lost the weight that I did even though I still have much more to go. There are some really cute and funny pics to share!

My pants are getting looser again, and I am firmly back on track with my diet and happy to be there. I have plenty of healthy food at home to enjoy this weekend.

 Happy Friday guys!

I woke up this morning with this sense of overwhelming JOY. I don’t even know why, but I like it! I’m not even annoyed at the crazy/pissed off tenants I have to field calls from and greet at the front desk and I just have this urge to hug everyone I see. But I shall curb that urge, don’t worry! LOL

I am so happy to be back on the weight loss track, and getting to my goal. So I’ve lost 50 pounds, but I still have 50 more pounds to lose. I am halfway there already, so it’s just a matter of hard work and time!

This weekend, there is a Native-American pow-wow at the Queens Farm, I am looking forward to going with JC and Dylan. There will be performances, crafts and native jewelry. Perhaps I can get JC to get me something pretty! ;)

:)

Sometimes, people have a way of surprising me. You know how I was transferred to a different department a couple of months ago? Well, I have two supervisors because I actually do two different jobs, and have one boss for each job. Yesterday, I sent an e-mail to one of the supervisors who is much higher in rank and is the one I report to if I need to take time off. I explained that my son was diagnosed with autism, and that is why I have been out a couple of days here and there because of evaluations and appointments. I asked for Thursday off because I have a big meeting to discuss his diagnosis and to establish the services. She has a reputation for being hard, cold and quite frankly – a bitch, so I was NERVOUS sending her the e-mail, but knew I had to let her know what was going on so she didn’t think I was frivolously taking a lot of time off. She asked me to come to her office, and then told me I can take whatever time I need to take, and encouraged me a lot with stories of a family member who has autism and is succeeding. She actually made me cry because she gave me a lot of hope, and told me if I ever need to talk I can come to her. This is the same person who co-workers warned me not to work for because how mean she can be, yet she has been the most helpful person I have spoken with about my son.

I received a call yesterday from one of the professionals from Early Intervention who had evaluated Dylan, and she recommended to me not to start Dylan off with 20 hours of ABA therapy in ADDITION to the Speech and OT therapy he will receive. She said I should start him off with 10 hours a week, because he is still a baby and needs nap times, and just some down time. She said that I can increase it in a few months once he gets used to it, but she is afraid if we go gung-ho right off that bat then Dylan may shut down and not want to do anything. She said ABA is very “in the child’s face” and she doesn’t know if he can handle so much so soon. I am happy that she told me that because I was having my own concerns about it. He’s not even two yet! She said to let him adjust and we can take it from there. That eased a lot of concern that I’ve had, but didn’t know what to do before because everyone is telling me something different, but I respect her opinion.

We spent hours in the ER last night because JC spit up blood twice, and we wanted to make sure everything was okay with the gall bladder surgery she had last Thursday. It turned out that it was probably from irritation from the anesthesia being administered, so I am relieved. Dylan ended up spending the night at Grandma’s (JC’s mom) house because we got home past midnight. My baby’s first sleepover!!!! Never again!!! I missed him too much. I know I am exaggerating, but I am a helicopter mom unfortunately LOL.

I don’t want to jinx myself, but I think things are really going to start looking up for my family. We are getting Dylan help at a super early age, I am finding out about lots of resources in my area, JC and I are growing stronger….I am really counting my blessings. Plus, I am looking forward to being hot by Christmas time! LOL

5 months left

So we’re near the end of July, almost August. Before you know it, summer will be over. I can’t believe how much time has passed since I started this ol’ blog. 6 months! In that time, I have lost 50 pounds, and kept it off despite the chaos that has taken place these past few months. I’m very proud of that, but I would be prouder if I kept at it in the same pace. I haven’t gone off the deep end or thrown away all of the good habits I’ve established, I just haven’t been fighting for it. I should weigh much less than I do now, if I had kept going I would have. My options are:

(A) Keep maintaining.

(B) Throw in the towel.

(C) Get my ass in gear.

I don’t know if I can get back that inner rock star of the winter/spring months because my mind is quite consumed with my son and getting his services established at the moment, but I would like to finish what I started. I want to finish 2012 at 50 pounds less than what I weigh now. I want to start 2013 being fit, which I what I wished for back on January 17^th, the day I started this blog. I have 5 months left, so it can be done. I can be in a size 8 by Christmas!!! It IS possible and within my reach. So that is why I am choosing option (C).

It’s amazing how much better your perspective gets when you have a few days to contemplate. My life has been, and will continue to be a little crazy, but I’m still very lucky. I have a partner who is there by my side through thick and thin (literally! LOL), and gives Dylan and I her all. I have this gorgeous, amazing, lovable, freaking CUTE little boy who yells “Mom Mom Mom” when I ring the bell to come pick him up, and does a little dance that I taught him in his highchair while he’s eating (the boy’s got rhythm like his Mommy), and trillions of other assorted things of cuteness.

How lucky am I??

So, my son may have trouble in certain areas of his life, but he is special and UNIQUE. I am so blessed to have this little munchkin. I am lucky! And whatever struggles and roadblocks he has to face, I will be right by his side to help him along the way.

We have more craziness in store for us coming up, this Thursday JC will be having gall bladder surgery, and I’m going to have to tend to her and take care of Dylan, plus balance all of the Early Intervention stuff coming our way shortly. But if any chick can handle it, it is me! Soon, she will start feeling better, and we will have a schedule set in place, and we can start living our new life. Things will all fall into place, I know it.

I am going to put way more effort into our little family having more time for fun. Even if it’s every other week, we are going to do SOMETHING fun together. Coney Island, the aquarium, zoo, the sprinklers at the park around the block…I don’t care! Even though we can’t go to Disney in October, I am going to plan a little day at Sesame Place for their Halloween festivities. Dylan will love it just the same.

I am happy to be in this positive state of mind again! It takes a lot to knock me down, but I will never STAY down. Count on that!

So I’ve had the weekend to process Dylan’s diagnosis, and am wrapping my head around it. I’ve talked to some family members and my best friend. I read all of your supportive comments (THANK YOU!!!). I am feeling much better than I did when I wrote that post, which was just after I was told. I am telling myself that it is not the worst thing to have been told, but I am still scared for the future. My youngest sister was born with severe mental retardation. At 28, she cannot talk, has to be bathed, fed and wears diapers. I know Dylan is in a TOTALLY different category, and just has mild/moderate autism, but when you experience growing up with a sister who is so severely disabled sometimes you can’t help jumping to the worst conclusion. Because he used to say a couple more words than he does now, I feel hopeful that he will start talking and saying more than just “Ellie” (from his fave cartoon Pocoyo). I feel hopeful that he will go to a regular school and make some friends. I feel grateful that it was diagnosed so early on so he is eligible for all the services that NYC’s Early Intervention provides.

Yesterday, he gave me lots of hugs & kisses. I am thankful he is not severely autistic, and he loves affection. He smiles at me all of the time, and does interact with me. I think all of the help he will receive, and with what I learn to help him as well, he will progress and thrive. There is so much potential there, and I will put my all into making sure he gets whatever help he needs. I love my little man with everything I have, and if anything this makes me love him even more. God doesn’t make mistakes, and He put Dylan on this Earth and in our hands for a reason. I am just anxious to get things rolling and find out the schedule for the therapies, and figure out how we can work around them. We’ll make it work. It's still going to be a great life for us, just not the one we expected.

I am feeling anxious for other reasons right now. too. Last Saturday, I went to the post office to pick up a package because I had a notification, but didn’t know who the sender was. My stomach DROPPED when I saw it came from my father who lives in Atlanta. I have done many things to make sure he has no contact with me, I’ve changed phone numbers, blocked him on FB, but never thought he would find out where I live. He must have found it somehow online. He is very abusive and sends harassing e-mails and messages when he can get a hold of my number, but I felt safe knowing he didn’t know where I lived. Well, even that sense of safety is gone. He sent a nasty letter, and some broken crap. I don’t know if he would actually come up to NY and go by my apartment, but I wouldn’t put it past him. I feel vulnerable, and I don’t like it, but I guess I can’t live my whole life in fear. I just have to be on guard, and if I do see him I will call the police and get a restraining order.

I packed a healthy lunch and snacks for work. I am going to take my long walk during lunch. I am eager to get back into my routine because it keeps my energy and spirits up, and I could use that right now. I may not be able to control everything going on right now, but I can control how I treat myself. I always feel better when I do the right things for myself. I switched our Disney trip to March 2^nd-9^th, and I think we are really going to NEED that vacation by then! Calgon, take my away!

My little man, feeding himself with a spoon for the first time on Friday! Have to keep working on that, he didn't want to yesterday LOL

I love you guys for being there for me. Your support does not go unnoticed, trust me.

The child psychologist left a little while ago. My son was diagnosed with mild/moderate Autism. While he's napping, my heart is breaking. Before there was the possibility in my mind that maybe they were wrong. Nope, they weren't wrong. He will need 20 hours of ABA/Speech/OT therapy a week, and will have to attend their special preschool. My baby, not even two years old yet.

I feel like I'm grieving for the future I had hoped for my son. He's still my same beautiful boy, the love of my life, but I don't have a crystal ball, I can't predict the future. Will he ever talk? Will he go to a regular school some day? Will he have friends, get a job, get married, have a family??

I will do whatever I can to help him now and always. But my heart is breaking for the struggles he is bound to endure in his life.

Our lives are about to get turned upside down. I have to find a way to be there for him for his therapies, and I will eventually have to leave my full time job at some point. It's clear my son is going to need me more than ever to be there 100%. It's not clear yet how I will manage this since we both need to work, but if it means working nights and weekends, than I will.

If anyone has ANY feedback about Autism, PLEASE share it!

I want to thank those of you who have lent me your support these past few days, you don’t know how much it was NEEDED and appreciated. Xoxoxoxoxo a million times over!

2012 started on such a good foot, but it’s been full of stress, changes and worry these past few months. Job transitions, worry about finances and confusion & concern for my son. I know I am a strong person, and I will get past everything, but sometimes I feel so anxious that my chest is tight and I am holding my breath waiting for the next blow. The one thing that sustains me is my faith in God and knowing He is there. I know we will get past these worries, and that everything will be fine in the end. Despite some of the chaos we’ve had lately, we are TRULY blessed. We both have jobs, we have a great family and our son is happy and healthy! I refuse to wallow in sadness or self-pity. There is no reason for it and it gets us nowhere.

Dylan’s Baptism is this Sunday, can’t believe the day is almost here! I don’t have to tell you how excited I am for it! My pastor came by our house last night to discuss the Baptism, have us fill out forms, and talked to us about the true meaning of Baptism. She read bible verses to us, and even told us she would officiate if we ever choose to get married. She came at 8pm and stayed until 10:30! I am so grateful to have found a church that accepts us and welcomes us even though we are not a “traditional family” being we are two moms. She actually cares about us and our son. I never thought I would find that. I will definitely share pictures of the Baptism here! I am having a photographer come to take pics of the ceremony, and won’t get the CD until a few days later, but I will share those as well.

My weight has been at a standstill, and I have maintained it. I am actually happy about that right now. I’m not resorting to binging or anything self-destructive. I will get my inner “rockstar” back in action.

I hope you all have a great 4^th of July! We plan on having a pot luck picnic in the park with some family. Be safe and enjoy yourselves!

Coming to terms

So, the special instructor came by on Saturday to meet with us and Dylan. We spent a lot more time with her than the pathologist, so we were able to get a clearer picture of their concerns. We got to see first hand the trouble he had interacting with her. He basically wanted to play on his own, and when she tried to get him to look at her, he became agitated. Now, he is not like that with me for the most part. He interacts with me, makes eye contact with me, and will play with me – sometimes. Since she left, I notice when I try to make him look me in the eye, and it’s not natural, he seems to get a little upset. The instructor said that she cannot diagnose him, only the psychologist can make that determination. But she said if he IS diagnosed with it, he will be provided with lots of services and about 10 hours of speech and behavioral therapy in our house each week. She said if he has PDD-NOS, that it looks to be more on the mild side.

PDD-NOS is the diagnosis given when a child has some symptoms of Autism, but not enough to classify them as having Autism. For instance, he loves to be cuddled and kissed and he WILL make eye contact, but on his terms. Also, he doesn’t seem to do self-stimulating behavior like rocking himself, etc. I don’t know if that will change as he grows older. He is only 20 months old, so it’s hard to predict how the future will be. But she told us that she has had kids who have gotten help early like Dylan progress so much that they no longer need services. Of course I hope he falls under that category, but no matter what he is my world, and I will do whatever it takes to help him. I’m not going to lie, this has been rough on me. It feels like it came out of left field, and my whole world was rocked.  But if he is diagnosed, that will NOT define him. He is the most beautiful little boy, he is so intelligent, he is so loving and affectionate with us, and he always captivates strangers on the street when they see him. There is so much more to him than this. If I was a fierce, protective mama bear before – well, you ain’t seen nothing yet!

This only reinforces why I need to be healthy for him, because he needs me here. So I am going to continue getting as healthy as I can so my focus can be strictly on him!

Sometimes I feel like a house built out of cards. One of these days, everything is going to come crashing down, and I am going to lose it. I have way too much going on right now, and am finding it increasingly difficult to deal with it all. The latest has to do with Dylan. I mentioned to the Pediatrician a little while ago that I was concerned over his delay in speech, and she gave me info to contact Early Intervention. I have had his case worker over last weekend to meet Dylan, and a speech pathologist came over last night. He expressed a little concern that Dylan may show signs of having Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). He has a few symptoms of it, like not being as verbal as toddlers are at his age, not as much eye contact, and likes to play independently. But he is not sure because Dylan DID make eye contact with him, but he was very focused on the toys he brought out for him. Also Dylan loves affection and physical contact, he gives me kisses and loves hugs. He is very interactive with me, and is always making eye contact with me. So basically, the pathologist was not sure. There is a teacher coming over tomorrow afternoon to meet him, and Dylan’s caseworker said she will have the child psychologist contact me very soon to make an appointment, because that is who can make the determination over whether he has a problem.

The caseworker was upset that the pathologist told me his opinion because she said he is not qualified to say that, but then she told me there was one thing that made her think of PDD that Dylan did when she met him as well. So that made me feel even more nervous. But she said if it turns out that he does have it, it would be a very mild case, and they will give him tons of services to help him out.

I am doing whatever I can for my son, and while I hope they tell me he doesn’t have PDD or Autism, if he does, I will do anything I can to help him and advocate for him. I am so scared. All I want is for my son to lead a normal, happy life. While they are reassuring me he will, I grew up with a severely disabled sister, so my mind can’t help but jump to the worst. I feel like my world has changed completely since last night, and I am so scared. I love my son more than ANYTHING, and I want the best for him, like any mom. I haven’t talked about this except with my sister, who actually has a Master’s in Special Education and has worked with autistic children. She told me she doesn’t believe Dylan has either disorder, but if he does it would be very mild. I hope she is right. At times like this, I REALLY wish I could call my mom.

I know it is not the worst thing in the world to deal with, but I am still scared.

A dream deferred

So, I’ve come to the conclusion that I have no choice but to postpone my WDW trip until February or March, probably March. The trip is paid in full, but money I had set aside for plane fare and spending money had to get used for other things. I am disappointed, I was so looking forward to spending Dylan’s birthday, Halloween and my birthday at Disney. I am waiting for the end of summer to choose the dates, because I want to see when free dining will (hopefully) be offered, and they usually give the dates in August.

I’m sad I can’t meet up with you Rae Rae!!!!!

Well, I have to look on the bright side. It gives me a few extra months to save money, and get down to my ultimate goal weight. I will also have my tax refund to help out. I would rather go without feeling stressed about money. Like I mentioned before, the resort and park tickets are paid for, so I am definitely going. I will have to pay more towards the package because we will be going during peak season, but at this point I don’t care. Especially if we get free dining!

I weighed 199.5 this morning. At least I’m back (barely) under 200. I’ve lost 5.5 pounds in two days, so I must have been retaining a lot of water!

Mommy & Son: Then & Now

Wow, we've both changed!

October 2011

May 2012

Welcome back summer!

God, I feel so much better. I love getting a chance to start fresh. I was right on point yesterday, and I weighed 202 this morning – three pounds down from yesterday. I just got my period today, so it will probably go down a little more in a few days. Mentally, I feel refreshed and excited to be back on track.

So today is the first day of summer, woot-woot! It seems like the 80’s style is coming back, but only the good parts like off-the-shoulder tops and NEON!!! This makes my heart happy, I love neon! I need to get some neon pink in my wardrobe right away, but until then I will settle for some neon pink toes at my next pedicure.

There is some drama and craziness going on right now in my old department, I am so glad I jumped ship. I may have double the work, but at least I have some peace of mind. Plus, my new department is half men and women, the girls upstairs could use some testosterone in their lives. Working with only women is not a good time! I felt like I was in Mean Girls 2 when I was upstairs.

Well, today is going to be HOT in NYC, but I have to do my lunchtime walk. Hope it goes well!