I had to work through my lunch break yesterday because I had to leave at 4pm for my monthly family meeting with Dylan’s therapists, so I didn’t get to do my lunch time walk. However, I was NOT about to let that get me off my game! After the meeting, the speech therapy, and cooking dinner, I put Dylan in his stroller and took a jog/walk for an hour at 8:30pm. The dog needed a walk, so I took her with us. Chloe kept wanting to sniff at everything, and bark/lunge at anything that moved, but I still got my sweat on even though we looked like quite a sight LOL. I really wanted to do a workout DVD, but Dylan wanted my attention and the dog needed to pee, so I killed three birds with one stone. I even practiced with Dylan his sounds during the walk. Moms know how to multi-task! LOL

I weighed 210 this morning, and I’m firmly back on track.

So, I’ve taken down the Disney pics, changed my blog description, and changed my ticker. I am starting fresh, here and now. I created a new goal for myself yesterday, and that is to lose 40 pounds by January 1^st. At this point, I don’t care about the original goals I had this January, or the trip we were supposed to have. I’m looking ahead to the future, and I want MORE, damn it. I want more for myself than what has taken place this summer. I’m not going to go over & over why I let myself get so derailed these past few months. You guys know more about me than even my some of my closest friends & family. You know what’s been going on, I don’t need to explain. I worked HARD to get to where I got, and I haven't felt that good in years! I am not going to throw it all away!!

I’m not a failure, and I do not give up. I may FUCK up, but I don’t ever GIVE up. That is not in me, and if you’ve gotten to know me through this blog, than you know that. I may be a sucker for Disney; into glitter, pink, and all things girly; obsessed with my son…..but inside all of this is a strong woman who can do what she sets out to do.

I’m pissed at myself, I’m angry for letting it happen, and I am not letting it continue.

I weighed in at 213.5 yesterday, put a stop to all the crap right then and there, and got back to work. I weighed 212 this morning, and I am going to weigh less than 210 by Monday. I'm not turning back.

It is beautiful in Queens this morning! The air is nice and crisp, and I needed a blanket last night, love it. This weekend was really nice. We were going to go to a park fair with JC’s daughter, granddaughter and mom on Saturday, but they cancelled it so we ended up going to Luna Park in Coney Island. They really cleaned up Coney Island compared to how it was when I was growing up, but I kind of missed the real Coney. Anyway, the kids had a blast, Dylan LOVED the train and boat ride. The boat ride operator even gave him a free ride when it was over. Yesterday we chilled in the house all morning and then left the house to do laundry and food shopping in the afternoon. Dylan didn’t take a nap all day, so for the first time in forever he fell asleep at 7:30 on the way home, and slept through the night. JC and I took advantage, and watched Big Brother (our favorite show, don’t judge LOL) and the movie What to Expect When You’re Expecting (we bought a great bootleg copy).

Dylan is becoming more communicative with me in his own way. He can’t verbalize requests, but now he pulls me in the direction of something he wants and then points towards it. I like it, because it feels good that he can show me what he wants. He is truly blossoming thanks to the therapies. He loves my attention now, and he actually looks for me to be involved in his play. Previously, I would try to be, but it felt like he didn’t want that. Now, he doesn’t like it if I’m focused on something else other than him LOL. I love it. I feel like I can open the door to his world. Another thing is his memory is astounding. I can label a whole bunch of things in a book that he’s never seen before, one time, and when I say the name of each item, he will point to them all correctly. It’s fascinating to see how much he knows, since he can’t really speak. He still says “Ellie” and “Mama”, can now say “That” and can say “Moo” (not perfectly, but in his own way) when we say “The cow says:”. Little by little, he’s getting there!

My sister told me for my birthday in November, she is going to give me an interesting gift. She said not fun, but she thinks it will be useful. She said she is going to pay for me to take the teacher’s assistant exam in February, and she will also buy me the book to study for it. I never thought of becoming a teacher’s assistant, but the more I think about it, the more I like the idea. It would give me something else to fall back on, and I would love to get out of doing typical office work. I’m getting excited to take the test, but now I feel a lot of pressure to pass since it was a gift! LOL Anyway, she is a teacher, so maybe she can suggest avenues to get my foot in the door at the Board of Ed. Maybe I can assist in a special needs class, I would like that.

So, I packed an apple, an orange, some carrot sticks, and a pepper turkey and provolone with mustard on a whole grain sandwich thin for work. Drinking water and herbal tea all day, and looking forward to my fast walk at lunch time. I’m getting back into that healthy frame of mind, and it feels amazing. Things are starting to feel good again for me. JC’s mom has calmed down a lot after JC talked to her. Dylan is doing great. JC and I are in a good place. Things are looking up.

When we were at the park with JC’s family last Sunday, Dylan did the cutest thing. JC’s niece has a 3 month old baby, and JC was holding him next to me while I was holding Dylan. I told my son, “Look at the baby! Give the baby a kiss” which he proceeded to do THREE TIMES gently. Then he pointed at him, which is the gesture he gives us when he wants something. As if my 2^nd baby fever wasn’t strong enough, right?

JC and I finally made a decision this morning about if and when we should try for another baby. We are going to try in May! This means a lot of preparation on my part to get ready. I am going to do exactly what I did last time in hopes that we will be successful again. That means cutting out all caffeine, no alcohol (which is not hard because I never drink anymore LOL), lots of immune boosting fruit and vegetables, prenatal vitamins a few months prior to insure that I have enough folic acid in my body for a baby’s development, tracking my temps and ovulation prior to trying. I had to take Clomid when we tried because I wasn’t ovulating regularly and wanted to make sure I did for the try. If I am not ovulating regularly this time around, I will definitely take it again. I did whatever I could to give me the best chance last time, and I am absolutely going to do the same this time around.

Despite all the chaos these past few months, I am ready to start this planning stage. We both want another baby, we both want Dylan to grow up with a sibling and we both want to grow our family. We have to rely on frozen goods to make this happen, so I don’t want to wait too long to make our chances even harder. I’m going to be 33 in two months, and getting closer to 34 when we do try. It worked for us on the first try with Dylan, but who knows how long it can take the next time. I am really happy that JC and I are finally on the same page about when to go for it!  We saved ALL of Dylan’s baby things, so we won’t have to buy anything except diapers, wipes, and some clothes if we have a girl instead of a boy. If we have a boy, he is set for the first two years of his life, we have so many clothes!

I had 2 hardboiled eggs with whole wheat toast this morning and am sipping on some decaf tea. I’m already cutting out the caffeine, and I still have 8 months to go until we try! Jeez, can I be any more excited?? I’m such a dork, I know.

God, I needed that long weekend.

Thanks to your comments, and quality time with my family for three straight days, I am feeling like a human being again. On Saturday, I told JC how I was feeling, and she promised to talk to her mother and get her to relax a little bit. She said she understood where I was coming from, and she would do what she can to help me.

I have never been that close to a breakdown, and it wasn’t pretty. All day Friday at work, I kept crying at random times at my desk. I felt so desperate, and didn’t know how to feel better. I literally sobbed while in my parked car before picking up Dylan, and it felt so cathartic.

Spending those three days with Dylan and JC felt SO good. We saw my sisters on Saturday, and went to the park on Sunday with JC’s family for a potluck picnic, and I spent the majority of the time there with Dylan at the playground and sprinklers. For the first time EVER, Dylan interacted with another kid he didn’t know! Well, he didn’t exactly play, but he went up to him pointed at the Disney characters on his t-shirt. It was so cute! LOL

Dylan is the best therapy I have. Playing with him, seeing him smile and his hugs & kisses are the best form of medicine.

I am feeling more like myself, and much more centered. I can’t let myself ever get back to that desperate feeling that I had last week. I don’t think I will take any antidepressants in the near future, because like Norma had commented, I think I was suffering from anxiety more than depression.

I took a nice, very fast power walk during my lunch break. It felt so freaking good to feel my muscles twitching from the exercise when I got back to my desk. I brought my healthy food for breakfast and lunch. I am getting back to business. The Fall is almost here, and I’m ready to move on from the “Summer of Hell” ©. I had a very tough time mentally last week, but I am not about to let myself go down like that. I will NEVER give up completely.

I have attempted to post nearly every day this week. I have written up drafts, but nothing feels right. Honestly, I’m not in a great place mentally and I don’t feel that I have much to contribute at the moment.

At some point, I will need to change the name of this blog, because we’re not going to Disney. We had to cancel the trip to help pay for our rent and utility bills, because JC’s job has fucked with her paycheck three times in the past month and a half by paying her 5 days late twice, and then “forgetting” to pay her for the PTO time when she was out on surgery. We had no choice but to get a refund for the trip because we needed the money because of her job. The same trip I cried over when I paid it in full back in February. The first trip we would have had together in over 9 years. I cried after calling to cancel it.

I’m so over everything, you have no idea.

I desperately need a break from work now more than ever, I haven’t had any vacation time off at all since my maternity leave two years ago. Last year, all my PTO days got used up from my mom being sick and passing away. I had no days left by June, so no time off just for a break. This year, it looks like the same may happen again with all the days I’ve had to take off for evaluations, appointments and meetings for Dylan. I don’t think I will have enough time left to take a week off. I need time off from this place!

I’m also dealing with crap from JC’s mom. Lately, she is getting bitchy because we don’t “spend enough time with her”. I used to spend hours there every single night when picking up Dylan. Being her own personal shrink, and listening to the same complaints about her family every night. I can’t do that every night anymore because Dylan has therapy most nights and I have to rush home to make it in time. When he doesn’t have therapy, I spend time with her, like Tuesday night. She spent all of that time complaining that “no one care about her, so she will care about no one”, all because we didn’t have time to entertain her over the weekend because we had things we HAD to do like laundry, food shopping, clean, etc. We do not have time during the week! Usually JC will run her around all day Saturday, doing whatever she wants to do, and will often bring her over to spend the night. If she’s not doing that, than her sister will do it. But we all had our hands full this weekend, and couldn’t. She wasn’t suffering alone, she spent all day Saturday with her sister, having a great time (in her own words), and spent Sunday with her (much younger) boyfriend. But all week, she has had an attitude when I go pick up Dylan because we didn’t spend time with her this ONE weekend.

I’m over this shit.

I am juggling working 40 hours a week, with two different job responsibilities at work. When Dylan doesn’t have therapy, I have “homework” that I have to do with him on my own, and keep records of everything and his progress. I have a home to take care of, and pets to care for. My weekends are completely full. I have to do all of the household chores that I can’t do Monday through Friday because I have therapists in my house and I need to be involved in the sessions so I can carry it over into our every day life. I also have to set time for Dylan to just be A KID. I have to give him time to play at the park, things like that. Soon it will be cold out, so I have to let him enjoy the warm weather as much as he can. I also spend time with JC’s mom the nights he doesn’t have therapy, and most weekends on a Saturday. What more does she want, my blood??? Are we not entitled to spend a little time as a family of three sometimes?? I really do love her and care about her, but I can’t see why she doesn’t put herself in our shoes and stop making things even harder for us. We are doing the best we can!

Guys, I am trying. I am trying to keep my head high and a positive attitude. It’s becoming HARD to do it. For the first time in my 32 years of living, I am seriously considering taking an anti-depressant. I don’t want to, but my mind is going in a million directions. I’m not superwoman, I can’t be all things for all people! The most important thing to me is my son, and being there for HIM. I feel stretched to my capacity, and don’t know how much more I can take before I break.

For the love of Pocoyo

On to a lighter topic finally: birthday parties!!

For Dylan’s 1^st birthday party, we went all out. We had it at a catering hall, 50 people, DJ, balloon twister and a photographer. It was a Dr. Seuss theme, and I went crazy with the invites, favors and decorations. I had SO much fun planning it!

In two months, Dylan will turn 2, so of course I’ve been wondering what to do this year. We decided to have it in the apartment because there is no way we could do a huge party this time around. Which means much less guests invited, but I think Dylan will enjoy it way more in our home with family and close friends. I chose a Pocoyo theme because that has been Dylan’s number one cartoon since he was 6 months old. I kinda wanted to go with something easier like Mickey Mouse or Thomas the Tank because you can find party stuff at any store, and I remembered how hard it was to find Dr. Seuss stuff. But considering that one of Dylan’s few words thus far is “Elly” which is a character from Pocoyo, and it IS his favorite, I made it my mission to have that theme.

For whatever reason, they don’t seem to sell Pocoyo birthday party supplies in this country except for a FEW things you can find on Ebay. I finally came across an online party store in Spain that would ship to the U.S. Their prices were pretty reasonable, but I had to pay $38 for shipping. I thought it wasn’t too bad of a deal in order to give Dylan a birthday party he would really love. And Pocoyo, he does love. He actually spins in circles with a huge grin on his face when it comes on.

Am I the only nutcase when it comes to birthday parties?? Please tell me I’m not alone! LOL

His invitation, the purple box has the party info, which I edited out :)