Friday, August 31, 2012

I have attempted to post nearly every day this week. I have written up drafts, but nothing feels right. Honestly, I’m not in a great place mentally and I don’t feel that I have much to contribute at the moment.

At some point, I will need to change the name of this blog, because we’re not going to Disney. We had to cancel the trip to help pay for our rent and utility bills, because JC’s job has fucked with her paycheck three times in the past month and a half by paying her 5 days late twice, and then “forgetting” to pay her for the PTO time when she was out on surgery. We had no choice but to get a refund for the trip because we needed the money because of her job. The same trip I cried over when I paid it in full back in February. The first trip we would have had together in over 9 years. I cried after calling to cancel it.

I’m so over everything, you have no idea.

I desperately need a break from work now more than ever, I haven’t had any vacation time off at all since my maternity leave two years ago. Last year, all my PTO days got used up from my mom being sick and passing away. I had no days left by June, so no time off just for a break. This year, it looks like the same may happen again with all the days I’ve had to take off for evaluations, appointments and meetings for Dylan. I don’t think I will have enough time left to take a week off. I need time off from this place!

I’m also dealing with crap from JC’s mom. Lately, she is getting bitchy because we don’t “spend enough time with her”. I used to spend hours there every single night when picking up Dylan. Being her own personal shrink, and listening to the same complaints about her family every night. I can’t do that every night anymore because Dylan has therapy most nights and I have to rush home to make it in time. When he doesn’t have therapy, I spend time with her, like Tuesday night. She spent all of that time complaining that “no one care about her, so she will care about no one”, all because we didn’t have time to entertain her over the weekend because we had things we HAD to do like laundry, food shopping, clean, etc. We do not have time during the week! Usually JC will run her around all day Saturday, doing whatever she wants to do, and will often bring her over to spend the night. If she’s not doing that, than her sister will do it. But we all had our hands full this weekend, and couldn’t. She wasn’t suffering alone, she spent all day Saturday with her sister, having a great time (in her own words), and spent Sunday with her (much younger) boyfriend. But all week, she has had an attitude when I go pick up Dylan because we didn’t spend time with her this ONE weekend.

I’m over this shit.

I am juggling working 40 hours a week, with two different job responsibilities at work. When Dylan doesn’t have therapy, I have “homework” that I have to do with him on my own, and keep records of everything and his progress. I have a home to take care of, and pets to care for. My weekends are completely full. I have to do all of the household chores that I can’t do Monday through Friday because I have therapists in my house and I need to be involved in the sessions so I can carry it over into our every day life. I also have to set time for Dylan to just be A KID. I have to give him time to play at the park, things like that. Soon it will be cold out, so I have to let him enjoy the warm weather as much as he can. I also spend time with JC’s mom the nights he doesn’t have therapy, and most weekends on a Saturday. What more does she want, my blood??? Are we not entitled to spend a little time as a family of three sometimes?? I really do love her and care about her, but I can’t see why she doesn’t put herself in our shoes and stop making things even harder for us. We are doing the best we can!

Guys, I am trying. I am trying to keep my head high and a positive attitude. It’s becoming HARD to do it. For the first time in my 32 years of living, I am seriously considering taking an anti-depressant. I don’t want to, but my mind is going in a million directions. I’m not superwoman, I can’t be all things for all people! The most important thing to me is my son, and being there for HIM. I feel stretched to my capacity, and don’t know how much more I can take before I break.


  1. Oh Mina! I'm so terribly sorry you are going through this. JC's mom sounds exactly like my dad's mom.

    I am so sorry you are going through all of this and so sorry JC's job keep messing up. Are they going to pay her for the surgery time? I would be throwing a fit until they did.

    Please don't be afraid to get help. If you think anti-depressant will help do it. I really struggled with this for years. I did not want to have to rely on the drug to help me. However, I am miserable without my meds and even suicidal. I had to swallow my pride and do what I needed to do to survive. I'm not saying you should 100% be on them but I do think you need to talk to your doctor about it.

    If you need anything at all, even to just vent message me please. Be strong and cut yourself some slack. You are amazing and try to not let JC's mom get to you.

  2. Mina, so sorry for all you are going through. Lord knows you have a lot of stuff on your plate.

    If you feel like you need help, get it. There's no shame in that game.

    Don't change the name of your blog. Your 100 For Disney will happen. If you can't believe right now, I will.

    Hang in there. xoxo

  3. I'm so sorry all of this is happening. A friend of mine recently said something to me that made me stop and think: In the end it will all work out. If it hasn't worked out, it isn't the end.

  4. Mina, I'm not a doctor, but you sound more anxious than depressed; it may be a mild tranquilizer that you're in need of and there is nothing wrong with that. Your circumstances are stressful and you literally have no time for yourself and no respite from the stress. That being said, do NOT let your mother in law guilt you or manipulate your emotions and intrude on what little private time you have with your immediate family. You're no good to anyone else if you're no good to yourself...easier said than done, I know, when you have pressure squeezing you from every angle, but you sound like you're on the verge of a physical collapse and/or a nervous breakdown and that is not a good thing.

  5. I'm here if you need/want to talk. Message me - we're only 15 minutes away from each other. Thinking of you.....

  6. Hey! I'm a computer scientist and right now I'm at something called a programming Jam. Basically we have 10 hours to make an application for blackberry. We decided to make an application that helps you track your diet and exercise together with pictures of your process and stuff like that! I need ideas of what the user needs in this sort of applications. I need to hear what you would find useful in a mobile applications that would help you track your weight loss!

    Ideas!? Please share this link!!!


  7. I am sorry you had to cancel the trip, and Disney will be there when you are able to go. A lot has changed in the last nine months that you could not have anticipated when you started this journey. Remember to take care of yourself and if that means J has to take Dylan for a few hours on the weekend, to see his Grandma of course, so you can breathe, let her. You need to recharge yourself!!! You are strong and you can get through this. If you need help, please ask those around you. Look into meditation (I know you dont have a lot of spare time but you can learn the steps online), a few quite breaths can release a lot of emotions.

    Take care!!!!

  8. I am a Mom to 2 kids & maybe cancelling the trip to disney is a good thing - at 2 years old Dylan probably wouldn't remember most of it anyway. When my kids were little and we were struggling to make ends meet we did many "staycations" & we went to local museums, amusement parks and other events for events. Much less expensive and you can enjoy some time away by not going away! You are fortunate that you can get a refund.