As my focus has been 100% on my son, my newly found confidence and habits have been slowly chipped away. I can honestly say that since June and getting involved in Early Intervention, I just haven’t given a **** about myself. I did not care about what I ate. I did not care about doing my walks. Honestly, I was just trying to get through each day. I have spent countless hours online researching autism, therapies, programs, etc. I have been on the phone calling resources and groups. I have been spending my free time with my son practicing what I have learned to engage him. I have felt enormously guilty on NOT spending any moment I have to myself doing anything other than what I listed above.
“How dare I do something else while time is wasting as we speak, and my son needs all the help I can give him?? I am his advocate!”
That has been my internal thought since finding out about his diagnosis.
No wonder I have had chest palpitations and anxiety. No wonder his speech pathologist keeps telling me to RELAX and that things will be okay. She said I have to take more time for me and not feel guilty for it. She said that she appreciates how involved I am because many parents she sees do not even sit in on the session, and all they care about is collecting the disability check for their kid, but she says I am on the opposite side of the spectrum and I am getting consumed with it all. She said she can see how much I want to be there for him and help him, but I’m going to burn myself out in the mean time.
Yes, it appears I am becoming THAT mom.
I woke up yesterday morning resolved to keep working on me in addition to being there completely for my son. I packed the healthy food. I walked fast during lunch. I am doing the same today. I have to force myself to continue on the path to healthiness. I see things falling into place for us. Dylan is doing SO well in his therapy sessions, and is trying so hard to learn new things. I have to force myself to relax like Linda said. I can be his “warrior” and still work on myself at the same time. I have to learn balance. Since May, I have gained 10 pounds back from my lowest of 197. I was starting to grow ambivalent about my weight because I almost see myself as a non-factor. I KNOW how bad that sounds, trust me!
Basically, I have to fake it until I make it. I have to just do it.