As my focus has been 100% on my son, my newly found confidence and habits have been slowly chipped away. I can honestly say that since June and getting involved in Early Intervention, I just haven’t given a **** about myself. I did not care about what I ate. I did not care about doing my walks. Honestly, I was just trying to get through each day. I have spent countless hours online researching autism, therapies, programs, etc. I have been on the phone calling resources and groups. I have been spending my free time with my son practicing what I have learned to engage him. I have felt enormously guilty on NOT spending any moment I have to myself doing anything other than what I listed above.
“How dare I do something else while time is wasting as we speak, and my son needs all the help I can give him?? I am his advocate!”
That has been my internal thought since finding out about his diagnosis.
No wonder I have had chest palpitations and anxiety. No wonder his speech pathologist keeps telling me to RELAX and that things will be okay. She said I have to take more time for me and not feel guilty for it. She said that she appreciates how involved I am because many parents she sees do not even sit in on the session, and all they care about is collecting the disability check for their kid, but she says I am on the opposite side of the spectrum and I am getting consumed with it all. She said she can see how much I want to be there for him and help him, but I’m going to burn myself out in the mean time.
Yes, it appears I am becoming THAT mom.
I woke up yesterday morning resolved to keep working on me in addition to being there completely for my son. I packed the healthy food. I walked fast during lunch. I am doing the same today. I have to force myself to continue on the path to healthiness. I see things falling into place for us. Dylan is doing SO well in his therapy sessions, and is trying so hard to learn new things. I have to force myself to relax like Linda said. I can be his “warrior” and still work on myself at the same time. I have to learn balance. Since May, I have gained 10 pounds back from my lowest of 197. I was starting to grow ambivalent about my weight because I almost see myself as a non-factor. I KNOW how bad that sounds, trust me!
Basically, I have to fake it until I make it. I have to just do it.
Mina - I have said it before and I know I will say it again: YOU ARE AN AWESOME MOM and there is no child luckier than Dylan.
ReplyDeleteI would have reacted to this circumstance the same as you: completely putting myself off and focusing on the child. It's a totally normal, reasonable response to such a sudden life changing event such as a diagnosis of autism.
And now as you move from through the emotions of this process, it is time to get back to yourself a little bit. Eating healthy & exercising is ONLY going to help you be better at being Dylan's mom & handling the stress that may come along. I know you know this!!
You have lots of invested blog readers who are happy to support you through this! You got it, girl!!!!! Let's fight the good fight together!
Thank you Jenn!!!!!!!!!!!
DeleteAnd I know what your saying is true! I don't WANT to give up on myself, I have to keep fighting!
I think your reaction to this news falls under the "completely normal" range. Most parents who adore their children would of course give up any time they could spare to work with their child and help him every bit that they could!! Don't feel guilty about that at all! If you can find a balance, though, it's probably better for BOTH of you in the long run. You'll figure out a new normal that keeps you healthy AND focused on your little man!
ReplyDeleteI completely agree, I HAVE to do it for both of us!
DeleteOK, a little tough love....Do you know what they say when they visit the mother that neglects herself while devoting 100% of her time to a child that will in all honestly be perfect. As they stand in Queens, beautiful day, very quiet and solemn, placing rocks on the pretty marble stone, they mutter.... aren't you supposed to put the mask over your head first as it drops from the console, and then affix the other to your child ? Hard to take care of the baby when.....
ReplyDeleteAnd your comment is exactly why I posted this, even though I am ashamed of myself. I need the tough love because I am spiraling into a place that I most definitely do not want to be. Reading your comment actually brought tears to my eyes and made me feel even more guilty, but it is what I need to drive the point home. That is my WORST fear, leaving my son behind, and yet I am heading that way if I don't take care of myself too!
DeleteYou're a great mom, Mina. And while your baby deserves a healthy Mom, YOU deserve it even more.
ReplyDelete