The aftermath

I made it out alive! I told my soon to be ex boss how I felt, and she actually agreed with me and talked with the big boss. The big boss told me not to panic, and this will be just a temporary thing because he will be revamping the entire department. He said I may be doing it for a few months but it won't be forever. He also said they will not be giving me any additional work except my insurance work and the front desk, and he also said he will give my big insurance projects for the other girls in my soon to be old department. I guess I will have to believe what he says, and take it day by day. I am glad I opened my mouth because it seems they have a little more respect for me. I know I'm in store for a lot with my new department, but I'll just have to handle it as it comes. Thanks for your support guys!

In other news, I lost a pound last week. Not my usual loss, and I'm not sure why because I didn't change anything, but I am going to try and amp up my efforts even more this week. It's been a rough few days for me, and while I'm proud that I didn't binge or do anything stupid, I also didn't push myself as much as I could have. Now that I feel a little more stable at my job, I can go back to the grind. I need to get to the 100's already!!

Royally Screwed

Things are not going too well for me this weekend. As I alluded to a few days ago, things have been crazy at my job. I had offered to stay in Queens because I was told they needed someone to take care of the residential buildings insurance. I thought it would be the best solution for me. Come to find out, they claim my duties would not be enough to fill a full-time job (never mind that I am taking over for my co-worker who did less than that for 7 years now), and I would also have to be the front desk receptionist in our other department downstairs. That would entail completing ALL of my insurance responsibilities, plus be glued to the phones ringing all day, fielding visitors all day long, letting every single person inside the door for 8 hours a day, and even having to get someone to cover for me if I have to use the restroom. I sat with the girl who is leaving, she and I used to work together and she told me not to take this job. They had stuck her there after the previous girl quit, and after three weeks of doing it, she is quitting too. Both of my new bosses are known for being verbally abusive, and half of the office quit recently. WTF did I get myself into????

Tomorrow I am marching into my soon to be ex supervisor's office and telling her I will not be accepting that position, and if that means going to the city than I will do it. With that comes a whole other can of worms because we were told that not all of us may be going, meaning some of us may be let go. Everyone's future is in the air, but I refuse to take on the other role. I have been with this company for 7 years, and have worked my way up and there is NO way I am getting railroaded into that desk.

I don't know what I have in store for me tomorrow, but I cannot let myself go down like that. I am no one's fool. My stomach has been in knots since yesterday, and I am scared, but I also have self-respect.

Thank you for talking some sense into me yesterday! I know I’m still going to have my moments until we try again, but I need to remember to keep my focus on the present and what I can do to improve myself now. I appreciate your feedback A LOT, more than you know. I actually don’t talk about this stuff with anyone outside of this blog, except JC. It’s kind of hard for me to open up to even my closest friends about certain issues, but I have no problem letting you guys in. Funny, huh?

Well, Happy Friday peeps! It’s been a long, rough week for me, so I am looking forward to spending some quality time with the familia.  I hope you enjoy yourselves this weekend!

I want so badly to try for another baby soon, but I won’t be. It’s not a good idea for a couple of reasons: 1) I refuse to try before I get to my goal,  2) We have to figure out child care because there is no way my MIL can watch two kids so we would need to find care for both , and 3) JC doesn’t want us to try just yet.

I know these are all valid reasons, and I won’t be trying until at least next year, but why is it on my mind so much??

I know I’m not getting any younger at 32, and I don’t know how many tries it will take before it works for us, so that makes me anxious. I wish I could see into the future and know that I will definitely get to have another little one.

I have a beautiful son, he is my world and if he will be my only than I would still be the luckiest mama. But I want so badly to give him a sibling and to experience the joy I felt when I was pregnant with him. The uncertainty if that will ever happen again sometimes gets to me. Lately I am surrounded by pregnant friends and family members, and it reminds me of how much I want to experience that again. I would love to see my son with his brother or sister someday.

Sigh…

I guess all I can do at the moment is continue working hard to reach my goal, become healthier than ever, save money, think positive and day dream of baby names.

Pursuing your dreams

There has been a lot of tension and turbulence at my office since last week and some things we were told. A lot of things are up in the air for all of us, and no one is certain of their future with the company at this moment. Because of that, it’s an unusually quiet and stressful atmosphere. I’m not really a nervous type, I’m more “que sera, sera”, but I’d still like to know what will happen to my position. I am so grateful to my daily walks at lunch, it helps to clear my head. Basically, whatever the outcome is, I will be fine. My self-confidence is growing with each day, and I’m becoming aware of my self-worth again. I come home exhausted from the atmosphere around me, but I know that it is temporary.

When I had started planning my son’s first birthday party last year, I stumbled upon a passion of mine: event planning. I planned this party to the minute detail for months prior. It was a Dr. Seuss theme, and I had to get creative because supplies were hard to find. I made my own favors, designed the invites, made banners, etc. I even made the place cards. I loved every minute of it, and was told by most of my guests that I should do this for a living. Even the photographer I hired told me she had never seen a party like mine. Once the dust settles at my job, I’m thinking of looking into finding a way to learn more about being a party planner on the side. It is something I love. Maybe that will be interning with a company, or freelancing on my own for friends to start. Because I’m feeling empowered with the changes I’m making on myself, I’m feeling inspired to pursue other dreams of mine. Why not? Who’s stopping me but myself, right?

Despite all of the uncertainty around me, I am still focused on my goal. My routine actually helps me because it’s the one thing I CAN control.

A quickie!

Hey guys! Hope you had a nice weekend! Mine was a little meh, Dylan had to get shots early Saturday morning and since then he has been fussier and not sleeping as much. He didn’t take one nap yesterday and was a cranky energizer bunny the entire day. He woke up like a little jack-in-the-box at 5 am this morning, raring to go! So I weighed in at 202 yesterday, I lost 2.5 pounds this week even with my TOM, I have three pounds to go before I’ve lost 50 pounds AND reach Onederland! I want it this Sunday!!!

Life is a whirlwind!

Thank you for your support yesterday! I know I may write about my mom too much, but it helps to put my feelings down. I don’t really talk about it with family or friends, so this is my outlet. Thanks for being there for me. I love you! ;)

So we had an impromptu staff meeting yesterday in which we were told that our department is being moved to our Manhattan locations, and will be split up into two separate departments and buildings. However, they need one person to handle the residential aspect in Queens and that person will be moved to one of our other departments with different management. I decided to stay in Queens because the commute is too much when I have to worry about getting home to the baby and picking him up. I’m just glad I have the opportunity to stay here, I’ve worked plenty times in the city and the commute can be rough from where I live because the subway is not close. I will pretty much have a new job in about a month, I will also have to merge with other responsibilities with the new department. I am not TOO nervous because I know the people I will be working with by face, I’ve been with the company for 7 years, but it’s still a major change! I am excited to start something new.

I was jumping for joy last night because I fit into my size 16 jeans from 5 years ago. Due to vanity sizing, they are the equivalent of size 14 today. I was spinning around in front of JC all happy. I couldn’t have imagined 3 months ago that I would be able to squeeze my big booty into those jeans in just 3 months! I can’t wait to see the progress I will have in another 3 months! I am so freaking close to getting out of the 200’s, I weighed in at 203.5 this morning. Sooooo close!

Last night was a little rough. I am almost due for TOM, so I am more emotional as it is, then I saw a commercial which reminded me of my mom which had me crying quietly into my pillow until one in the morning. Next month will be a year that she’s gone, and I am starting to dread that day, but I have to remind myself that it is just another day and nothing bad will happen. I am looking forward to our cancer walk, which is on May 6th. I think that day will be a little cathartic because we will be doing something to honor her memory. It’s just surreal sometimes that she’s gone. I still get moments where I’m about to pick up the phone to call her. We used to talk at least twice a day, usually more. She was my best friend. I loved spending time with her, even as a teenager we would do things together every weekend. Because my father is not in my life (by choice and necessity unfortunately), I feel kind of lost. I love being a mom, but I wish I had a parent to worry over me sometimes. To be concerned about my day-to-day. To be there for my son. To celebrate my successes, and help bring me back up when times are hard. Like, I was an adult before she passed away, but I still felt like a kid around her. I know things could be MUCH worse, and I am very fortunate to have had the time I had with my mom. A huge piece of my heart went with her the day she passed away, and that can never be replaced. Things will never go back to normal, so I’ve had to find a new normal, and I think I’ve been pretty successful with that. I do believe in Heaven, and I do believe I will see her again.

The major lesson I learned is to appreciate the life we have while we have a chance to, and to appreciate the ones we love. It’s sounds cliché, and Hallmark-ish, but it’s very true. Tell them you love them. A lot. I tell my family and friends that all the time, I even tell you guys I love you! Take time to have fun, especially spontaneously. Those are the best times, and make the best memories. Life doesn’t seem short when we are caught up in problems and the daily grind, but it is. Getting healthy and fit is the best gift you can give yourself and your family! :)

Today makes three months since the inception of my blog, and all that came along with it, and I was rewarded during my lunch walk. A man (slightly sketchy with only two teeth) gave me a big thumbs up and even mimicked my walking. Hahaha, of course there were tons of people around and of course I turned bright red, but I loved it! I’m serious though, it made my day!

I told you my walks are getting interesting! LOL

Thanks for the feedback on the edamame! It is brand new to me, and is so yumm that I knew there had to be a little catch to it! So the consensus is enjoy with moderation. Got it!

I'm walking on sunshine :)

The weather in NYC has been divine these past few days. It is so refreshing to have nice breezes with warm sunshine. I felt so good this morning driving with my windows open, listening to salsa music. I know the weather has been unpredictable so I am relishing it while I can! My walks are so much more enjoyable, in comparison to the middle of January!

Question: What's your opinion on edamame? My co-worker buys some at a Japanese place nearby, steamed and sprinkled with sea salt. I've never had it before, but she has been sharing it with me. I LOVE it! What do you think about it?

:)

Hey guys! Hope you all had a wonderful weekend! I had a great one. The shower was beautiful; my sister babysat Dylan so JC and I could enjoy ourselves there. We haven’t spent any time alone without him since he was born, a year and a half! After that, we spent time in Staten Island visiting my other sister at South Beach, which was nice. Yesterday was incredibly busy, went to 9am church service, ran errands, spent some time with JC’s daughter and granddaughter, went food shopping, cleaned.

I’m happy to say I lost 3.5 pounds this week! I’m in first place in the challenge this week! Don’t know how long I can hold because I have some fierce competition (Beth! LOL), but I like reaching it for the first time.

My goal this week is to rev up my exercise intensity! You guys are kicking ass with running, CrossFit, etc., gotta push myself more too!

It's a nice feeling.

It’s almost three months since I’ve started this blog, and the changes I’ve made are immeasurable. I noticed another one this morning. I put on a cute black and white lace top, and JC told me she loved that shirt, and maybe I should wear it to this fancy baby shower I’m going to on Saturday instead of today (it’s for a former co-worker, and a couple of current co-workers will be there). I thought she had a good point, and put on a different top instead. Then it hit me – I wasn’t worried about what to wear on Saturday, I haven’t given it a thought until this morning. Before, I would have obsessed for a month prior over what would possibly look good on me, and become depressed because I realized I didn’t really have any options. Just cover myself up, and try my best.

It is so FREEING to not worry about what I will wear. I have lots of cute clothes that fit me right now. I’m far from my goal weight, but I still feel good about myself again. I’m looking forward to this shower at a beautiful place (Giando on the Water in Brooklyn overlooking the East River), and looking forward to socializing. I’m not dreading it because of the way I look, or how embarrassed I am of myself. I have a lot more to go on this weight loss path, but I’m enjoying myself along the way.

I guess I still got it!

My walks are starting to become quite interesting. Yesterday, I kept passing these two old Russian men. After the fourth time passing them, one of them signaled me over to them, and asked me in his thick accent why I was walking, so I said I was doing laps for exercise. So he asked “Can I walk with you?” but I could have sworn he was being flirtatious, and I said “I think I walk too fast” and laughed. Then he said, “You look niceeeeee” and leered at me, while the other old man looked me up and down. I had to laugh at the situation, in my head I’m like, “Did these 80 year old men just hit on me????”…Hahahaha. It felt kind of creepy, but I had to laugh.

I’m down a pound this morning, so happy to be back on track!! Whew.

Woah, what a morning! Our VP just came to our department, and asked to sit down with one of us to explain to him how we do our job from start to finish. I work for a huge commercial and residential real estate corporation in the insurance department, and they are trying to find ways to streamline the process because there are four of us handling the insurance for hundreds of commercial tenants and thousands of vendors for properties we own. I handle the insurance for our Newport, NJ locations. Of course, with my luck, I was chosen to be the one. Our VP is a scary man, quite frankly, so I was thrilled to say the least. I had to explain each and every thing we do, step by step for two hours and handle the barrage of questions of why we do those things. Somehow I came out unscathed, but whew – that took a lot out of me!

Thank you for the support you gave me the last couple of days…knowing you guys are rooting for me kept me going. I may not know you personally, but I love you guys!! I am back to my A-game, and happy to be there! I’m also inspired by you guys because I know you are working so hard! It helps knowing I’m in such great company! And if you ever need MY support, I will be there!

Back to the grind!

Uggghhh, I wish I could be a stay-at-home mom. I was able to spend four days with Dylan, and it sucked leaving him today. Sigh.

So Easter went really well, it was nice spending time with family and Dylan had a blast. He got seven Easter baskets including mine! Lucky kid! I was so busy yesterday that I didn’t have much time to be sad, which is good. I was back to my plan yesterday, exercised, tracked my calories, drank my water. No candy, no cake, no crap. It felt good to be back to my routine, and I woke up today feeling even better. It didn’t feel good when I wasn’t staying on course those couple of days. I love the changes I made, and I need to remember how good I feel when I follow through even if I’m having a tough time emotionally. Thank you for your supportive comments, they really did help!!

I’m considering these next three months to be Phase 2. I am committed to losing 30 pounds by July 8th, and that will make my total loss 70 pounds so far. I don’t think it will be easy, but I think I got this!

Let’s make this a great week, shall we??

Happy Easter!!

I'm sorry for being MIA for a few days. I spontaneously took off Thursday, and I had a day off already planned for Friday. I found out a few things at my job that really upset me, and I needed a break.

I have been overwhelmingly sad this weekend. I love Easter and love celebrating it with my family, but every single thing about this time and holiday is reminding me of my mom. Easter was the last holiday we all spent together, and the last time she saw Dylan. At the point, we knew she had cancer, but didn't know what type or stage, so we all were fragile that day. She was in my dreams last night, but in a sad way. I know this is a phase of grief, and it will pass until the next one, so I am just trying to ride it out. We have a fun day planned today, so hopefully it will help me keep my mind occupied.

My weigh in for the challenge was not good, I stayed the same. I know it's because I haven't been tracking on MFP, drinking all my water, and I've eaten some salty things these past three days. I'm ashamed to say my mind has not been on the challenge for Thursday, Friday or Saturday. With the thing I found out at work, dealing with my grief, and some other family stuff...it just feels like everything's hit me at once. I'm disappointed that I let myself lose my focus, extremely disappointed. I didn't go off the deep end, diet wise, but I just didn't put my all into it like I have been. I'm sorry if I've disappointed you with my post, but I wanted to be honest with you all because I can't just write about the good and not the bad.

However, I woke up a little more clear-minded, and realized that I can't let this snowball into falling off track completely. I've come too far, I've lost 40 pounds, and I have a lot more to lose. I know my mom is proud and wants me to continue to do well. I ate an apple as soon as I woke up, and poured myself a big glass of water. Despite it being Easter Sunday, I am going to do well today and get a good exercise session in. Mina is back in the game, I promise.


I hope you all have a beautiful Sunday and Easter if you celebrate! Love to you guys!!

You do you, and I'll do me!

I have to expand on the post about my co-worker earlier. We are both the same age, grew up in Brooklyn, and we have a young child, so we have a lot in common. In general, I really enjoy chatting with her, but I’m not sure what is going on with her. When I first mentioned changing my diet and losing weight, she went on and on about how she doesn’t understand dieting, and what was the point, etc. She actually tried to talk me out of it, but I didn’t listen to her. Apparently today she is the expert on “dieting”. In addition to her shipment of pills, etc, now she is preaching to me the benefits of the Daniels Diet (never heard of it), and why it is much better than the way I eat. Mind you, she hasn’t started it yet, but she knows it is better, she heard about it from someone. Going on…and on…and on about it for 10 minutes. She finally JUST stopped talking about it.

I don’t criticize her for anything, I just mind my business, but she keeps making it a point to say what I may be doing wrong. Now, if this new way works for her, that’s awesome, but it’s not for ME. I am very happy with my changes, and I don’t find it too difficult to maintain each day. Why is she trying to convince me I am wrong? I wish her the best, but I also wish she would let me be.

I love you guys **edited

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for your encouraging words!!! I will get to my goal! I will enjoy that day!

I pushed myself yesterday even though I was T-I-R-E-D. I did my walk/jog during lunch for 11 laps, and I did a Biggest Loser DVD at 9pm. A total of 90 minutes of exercise for yesterday, and it felt good.

I work in Rego Park which is a predominately Russian neighborhood. I walk behind my office building, around the same 4 blocks each day. There are only huge apartment buildings, and some of the older Russian people hang outside with their walkers. I usually see the same people during the week, and also nannies walking with carriages. I guess they're starting to notice me since they've seen me every day since January. When I was finishing my last lap, one of the old men approached me and told me in his thick Russian accent and broken English that there is a gym a few blocks away with a huge swimming pool. I thought that was the cutest thing!

**Had to add one more thing. My co-worker who sits next to me just got a big box in of pills and stuff. She proudly showed me a box of colon cleanser, and maybe 4 different bottles of pills & supplements for losing weight and water pills. She said I should take them as well. Whyyyy??? She is in the 240's range, I was around the same when I started. She sees all I eat, and she knows I exercise, why whould she turn to all those cleansers, pills & supplements?? It's frustrating!

Three months left!

So, my son’s Baptism is in 3 months, on July 8th. Everything is coming into place, we booked the restaurant for the reception, ordered balloon centerpieces, found favors to make, found invitations. We also booked the same photographer that we used for Dylan’s 1st birthday party, I want her to take pictures of the ceremony at church since my sister is usually the resident picture taker, but she is Dylan’s Godmother, so she will be on stage. I am VERY anxious to lose more weight before this day. For one, the spotlight will be on us in front of the whole congregation when we have to go on stage during the ceremony…arrgghhhh this alone makes me nervous! Also, I was so unhappy when I saw myself in the party pictures from his birthday, I actually cried…I don’t want to go through that again! Plus, it is in July, so I will probably need to wear a dress…..arrgghhh!!! This day is so important to me, I want to look my best!

Okay, let me try to calm myself down. I have three months. I am going to push to lose 30 more pounds in this time frame, which is do-able. Please tell me I can do this!!!! LOL

Happy Monday!

My weigh in went well yesterday, I was at 208 so that makes 4 pounds lost for the week! I moved up to 4th place, yay!!! :)

What a weekend….the party went really well, everyone had a great time, JC loved it. I had one slice of pizza during the party, and I planned for it by eating super light earlier. I had two slices yesterday, and THAT I am not happy about. I retained some water weight from the sodium this morning, so I am going to do two workouts today to sweat it out. It was my first time eating something that I hadn’t planned to in all of this time, and I learned from it because A) it wasn’t worth it and now B) I have to work extra hard today to balance it out. Oh well, lesson learned. Back to the grind this week!

I had so much stuff to do yesterday, we woke up super early for Palm Sunday service and we had the usual errands plus getting ready for Easter. I had to make three Easter baskets, including Dylan’s Thomas & Friends themed basket. I always go a little crazy for holidays, and Easter is no exception!

Because you runners who kick ass have been inspiring me, I jogged a little on Friday during my walk. I did 11 laps around 4 blocks, I would walk 3 blocks and jog 1 block. I walked/jogged a total of 44 blocks, much more than my usual 36 during my lunch hour. Oh boy, I have a loooooooong way to go to get anywhere close to how great you runners are! My goal is to do the same each day this week to start building my endurance.

I am so happy that I’ve made these changes, that I’ve found others here who inspire me every day, that I’ve joined Allan’s challenge, that I have so much to look forward to. I am so grateful.