Okay party people, I'm excited! Just stopped at Modell's where I got three new workout DVD's! Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred, the newest Biggest Loser workout and Julianne Hough's Just Dance {because I LOVE to dance}. Can't wait to try one tonight!

Second post of the day

I had to post a second time, because I am so proud of myself! It's pouring rain, but I took my lunch walk anyway! No umbrella, got soaking wet, very cold...but I did it! Now at my desk, my pants are drenched, I had to wring the water out of my scarf, but I don't care...I did it.

Don't make excuses, make it happen. :)

{Tomorrow I'll remember my umbrella, though! LOL}

Thank you :)

Thank you sooooo much for your comments on yesterday’s post!! You are all awesome! :)

During my lunch time walks, I started out at 8 laps around 4 blocks. I was able to progress to 9 laps….then yesterday, I did 10 laps! 8 more blocks in the same amount of time that I did 8 laps around!

I worked out last night also with a DVD, did some upper strength training and tried to do some crunches, but my little one would not stop crawling on my belly when I was on the floor, and he would cry if I moved him, so I just played with him on the floor. I got 100 crunches in, so I’m good.

I took this pic this morning. I weighed in at 223.5. Call me crazy, but I think I look smaller than 223.5! Maybe I’m getting lean muscle from the exercising?? Or maybe it’s just a good angle LOL. Anyway, I’m starting to like what I see in the mirror!

6 weeks in!

My life has changed so drastically these past 6 weeks, but in a great way. I am down 21 pounds. I am getting healthier in mind, body & spirit. I wish I would’ve started these changes sooner, but am so grateful I started at all. A typical day for me during the week looks like this:

Wake up at 7 am.
Shower and dress.
Change the baby, give him a bottle.
Prepare food to bring to work: make healthy sandwich, prep fruits & veggies. Pack J’s lunch.
Leave for work. {J brings the baby to her mom’s house because it’s on the way to her job}
Work 9-5.
Drink lots of water, with occasional seltzer or unsweetened chamomile tea. Healthy breakfast & lunch, fruits & veggies for snacks.
50 minute fast walk during lunch break.
Go to my mother-in-law’s house to pick up the baby. If she cooked, have a small portion. If not, make a small dinner at home.
Clean.
Play with the baby.
Exercise some more with a DVD and sometimes weights and crunches.
Clean some more.
Put the baby to bed.
Read some weight loss blogs, enter my stats onto My Fitness Pal.
Go to sleep.

It’s a pretty busy day, and different from my days in the past. I used to spend a ton of time getting fast food, watching TV, reading books, being sedentary. I felt miserable. I barely moved throughout the day and felt lethargic.

I feel like a completely different person now. I love to exercise, and I push myself to do more. I love making healthy meals, and if I have to eat out I will always choose a great option. I feel confident in myself for the first time in a LONG time. I look forward to waking up and starting my day. I thank God every day for giving me a second chance to improve my life. I also pray that He keeps me going even when I’m tired or craving something. Yes, those moments still happen because I am human, but I have been successful at getting through them.

People ask what’s my secret to doing well, but it’s almost embarrassing when I tell them eating right and exercise. That’s it, that’s all. It’s not easy to get the train going, but once you do – don’t stop. Keep going. Even those days you don’t feel up to it. You will feel so much better the next day for sticking with it. I still have a long way to go, but that doesn’t bother me, because I LOVE my life the way it is right now. I WANT to continue this!

I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I am excited for it. I feel like I’ve been given a gift of a new life, and I’m going to run with it.

Challenge Day 1

Day one of the challenge is going really well! I’ve already passed my 110 ounces of fluid, up to 112. According to my meal plan today, I will be below my calorie allowance. I’m making a turkey burger tonight and having some carrot sticks with it. I don’t have to change up my diet much because that’s how I’ve been eating these past 6 weeks, but I like the fact that I have to log everything in each day! Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t, but now I have to make it a priority. It’s funny, the more water I’m drinking – the more I crave! I always drink at least 8 cups a day, never this much!

So far, so good.

It begins tomorrow!

Weighed in this morning 20.5 pounds lighter than when I began! I have been itching to reach this number for days. Wow, 20 pounds. Feels like such a solid number.

Tomorrow, I begin this challenge started by Allan from the Almost Gastric Bypass blog. It runs until June 15th. I commit to drinking 110 ounces of fluids each day, eat 1450 calories or less, get in my exercise and log it all in on My Fitness Pal. Myself and the other challengers will have a shared password so we can see what the others are doing. It is all about accountability! I am excited for this challenge to get under way, my biggest challenge will be all of the fluids. I drink about 8-10 cups of water a day, but I have to up it up some more! I love a good challenge, so this is just the push I need to get it done.

Someone made my day! :)

Woot-woot, this just made my day!

If you’ve read my blog from the beginning, you probably know I love me some Disney Dooney & Bourke bags. Love, love, love them. To the point that I plan on getting myself one of the totes for my 100 pound weight loss reward. I love bags, I love Disney – so they are right up my alley!

Well, Dooney has been releasing a limited amount of designs for their half marathons, they did one for the Tink and it sold out in two hours. This weekend is the Disney Princess Half Marathon, and once again they are releasing another limited edition. Of course, I love the design but knew I wouldn’t be able to get it at the Expo because I’m not going to be there. One of my FB friends on a group I belong to offered to pick up the small wristlet if anyone was interested since she will be there for the marathon. I sent her a PM right away, and she said she would try her best to get me one.

She sent me a PM that she got me one! I just have to reimburse her through Paypal. They sold out in an hour, but she managed to wrestle her way to the front to pick the wristlet up for me even though she wasn’t getting one for herself. To think that a complete stranger went out of her way for me is the sweetest thing ever. I can’t wait to get it, I am going to rock it proudly, especially when I go to Disney!

There are some nice people out there….

Body after baby, and hopes for another...

When I became pregnant with my son in February 2010, I weighed 228. I barely gained any weight during the pregnancy, only 6 pounds because I ate very healthy for him, until the very end when I was super swollen – and gained 25 pounds. It was ALL water weight {& baby} because I lost it a week after I gave birth. When pregnant, I was all belly. A month after I had the baby, I weighed 226. When I started this journey to lose weight, I weighed 244.5, 15 months later.

Now, I am wondering what will happen with my body when I reach my goal. Before I gained all of this weight, when I was in my teens and early twenties, I used to have such a nice body. A flat stomach, hourglass shape. I weighed in at 225 this morning, 3 pounds less than when I became pregnant, but my stomach looks so much different. I am doing crunches about 2-3 days out of the week, but I am going to start stepping it up even more to 5 days. I am exercising 6 days out of the week because I want my body to firm up, but I am going to start doing it for 7 days.

This morning I wore a fitted outfit to work, and all of my co-workers commented on how much thinner I looked. A few said my hourglass shape is coming back.

My body may never be the same despite all the work I will put into it. I don’t know if I will ever be bikini ready like I was in my teens/early twenties, but I will put my all into it and do the best I can.

The small price I paid with my body for having my son is PRICELESS. It was worth everything and more.

We hope to try for another baby in the future, and I am thinking a few months after I reach my goal. I want to maintain my goal weight for a little while before we try again. If we are blessed with a second chance {please God!} I will be in great shape for that pregnancy. I know how to eat well and take care of myself while pregnant because I would never jeopardize my growing baby's health, I was very vigilant with my first. This time will be even better because I also care about myself and MY health long term!

Love "shopping" in my closet!

I surprised myself yesterday. In addition to my 50 minute power walk during lunch, I did 50 minutes of aerobics at home, plus strength training with dumbbells and 300 crunches. Total of two hours working out! Considering my starting point, that is awesome.

I was looking for something in my clothes storage bin, and found two pairs of pants that I decided to try on. Not expecting them to fit, but to see how far I need to go for them to fit. A size 18 and a stretchy size 16. They both fit!! A month and a half ago, I was wearing a size 24!!

A quote I like:

"You can accomplish virtually anything if you want it badly enough and if you are willing to work long enough and hard enough." - Brian Tracy

I hope this made my Mom smile today! :)

So, I brought in my butterfly hair clips to work to try and sell them to raise money for the Pancreatic Cancer Research Walk in my Mom’s memory. To tell you the truth, I was sooooo nervous because I feel uncomfortable “asking” people for money, but I really wanted to do it for my Mom. I made 40 of them, and I set a goal for myself to sell 20 today. I prayed to God about it on the way to work, and when I did, I saw a big sticker on the car in front of mine that said “20”! So strange, right?? Well, guess what! I sold 20! Plus some people donated extra for the Walk!! I have raised $160 today with $130 promised on next week! How awesome!! I am SO happy, you have no idea!!

I posted this on my FB this morning for Ash Wednesday: “For with God nothing is impossible”, and I truly believe it. It may have been a small goal to some, but to me it was huge! I am going to keep working hard to raise money in her name, her birthday is coming up, and it is so special to do this in her honor!

Happy Fat Tuesday!

Back to the grind! In a way like being back at work {did I really just write that??} because I like my routine while I’m here. I always drink tons of water, have my fruits & veggies throughout the day, and take my power walk during lunch. Weekends are a little harder because I get so wrapped up in taking care of the baby that I don’t always drink enough water, or get my healthy snacks in. But bottom line, nothing beats being at home with my son, I have so much fun. I wish I could afford to be a stay at home mom, yesterday I felt like a Domestic Goddess again. Put my pot roast with veggies in the crock pot at 9 am, cleaned, played with the baby, exercised and wished I could have days like that every day. Le sigh. Well, I’m grateful to have a job, so gotta look at it that way!

FINALLY saw Breaking Dawn last night. Oh-Em-Gee. I cannot WAIT until part 2 comes out!! Loved it!!!

I am 5 weeks in, and 18 pounds down.

Ahhhhh, some R & R today! :)

Yesterday WAS a better day overall! We woke up early to get to 9am service, I left feeling a sense of peace. Then we went to eat brunch at the diner. The little one had mini pancakes, J had a big breakfast, and I ordered the chicken souvlaki platter. It came with french fries and I gave them all to J, save a few fries. The platter was grilled chicken plain in a pita and a greek salad with tzatziki sauce. I love Greek food, so I was dying for something like this. After I finished, I felt soooo incredibly guilty. I kept asking J if I ate too much, and she started getting annoyed. I know I was really annoying, but once I get something in my head, the guilt starts to eat at me - no pun intended, hee hee.

Afterward, we went to the mall to pick up the baby some new shoes at Stride Rite because he outgrew his. He has double wide little chubby feet so we have to go to that particular store to get him shoes because they carry his size. Thankfully they had a great sale {because his shoes can cost more than MINE there! LOL} , so we got him two pairs for $50. From there, we went food shopping, and I bought lots of different healthy items than I have been eating so I won't get bored.

For dinner, I made healthy tacos. Ground lean turkey meat, whole grain tacos, light sour cream, low-fat cheese, lettuce & tomatoes. They were delicioso! :P

Anyway, I thought about how guilty I felt earlier about my meal, and wanted to smack myself. Dude - I ate grilled chicken, a pita and freaking Greek salad!! Not a bacon cheeseburger deluxe or something like that, which I would have always ordered! What was my problem??

Woke up this morning and lost another pound! :)

Today I'm off for President's Day, and I am thoroughly enjoying the day! Put a pot roast in the slow cooker, having fun with the little one, cleaned up and am now waiting for him to nap so I can exercise. Have a great day!

Man, today was a hard day for me. I stumbled upon a few things that brought back some memories of my mom. Just casual memories of us hanging out, but tears rolled down my face right away. Since then, I have been crying off & on. I watched some of Whitney Houston's funeral, and had to stop because that brought back more memories as well. As I get closer to the one year anniversary of her passing, my bad days have become less frequent but the pain is just as strong as the first day when I do have a bad day. This was just one of them.

I DO feel that she is watching me from up there, and cheering me on. My mom was one of my biggest support systems and I KNOW she is proud of me. I know it.

Despite how sad I've been today {or maybe because of it}, I put my all into my workout. It helped to relieve some of my feelings and gave me a nice boost of endorphins.

I know tomorrow will be a brighter day for me. We are getting up early to go to church and just spend some time together as a family. Tomorrow will be a better day! :)

As of this morning, I'm 16 pounds down! So close to 20 pounds, I can taste it! Can't WAIT to get there!

My previously tightest pair of pants are very loose on me today, I haven't worn them for a few weeks, so the difference feels huge to me!

It is a GORGEOUS Friday afternoon, we get out at 4pm today and we have a three day weekend. It's a beautiful end to a rough and dreary work week that I've had. Despite being a little more tired than usual and having some cravings, I held on tight to my resolve and I feel much better today for it! It's TOM for me, so that explains how I felt earlier this week.

Have a great weekend! :)

J told me something this morning that made me cry a little.

She said, “You set your mind to something and you get it done instead of just talking about it. You wanted to build your credit, you did. You wanted to throw a big birthday party for the baby, you did. You wanted to learn how to make hair clips to sell to raise money the fundraiser in honor of your Mom, you did. You wanted to book a trip to Disney, you did. You wanted to lose weight, you’re doing it. I want to be as ambitious as you, I’m so proud of you!”

Wow, that meant so much for me to hear that! Only now am I starting to get my self-esteem and confidence back because I have felt SO low last year. My life just seems so much lighter lately.

Waiting for Spring!

So Valentine’s Day was very nice, even lovelier than I expected. J gave me lots of little surprises, and the little one loved his teddy and balloon. J did in fact buy me a chocolate heart even though I told her not to, but I definitely won’t be indulging in it. I’m not really a big fan of the chocolates anyway so it’s not hard to turn it away. If I would splurge on a chocolate treat, I would be a couple of pieces of dark chocolate – yummy!

Because of the dreary weather, it was a little harder to talk myself into my lunch time walk. I’ve vowed not to skip a day unless there is a major blizzard or something like that, so I dragged my big booty out there. Once I got into it, I felt great {and I knew I would}. I thought of spring and warmer weather on its way before we know it, and that helped to get my mojo going. I really like those endorphins I get when I get back to my desk; it gives me a much needed boost of energy for the afternoon!

Okay, so we are set for our son’s Christening on July 8th! My church said that was fine, and I booked an Italian restaurant’s banquet room for the reception afterward with 30 of our family members and friends. I am SO looking forward to this day, a little less than 5 months away! My goal is to get down to 175 pounds, which will put me at a size 12/14. By then, I won’t need to buy my outfit in Lane Bryant or Avenue! That is my mini goal before reaching my ultimate goal for our Disney trip. I am having faith in myself that I can get there!

While our winter has been mild compared to how it is normally, I am yearning for spring. I am literally aching to take walks in the park with my son in his stroller and the warmth of the sun shining down on us. I am excited about the zoo, farm, aquarium, etc. We find things to do now, but it’s definitely not the same! Well, we’re getting closer!

Happy V-day!!

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!!!!! I hope you enjoy spending time with the ones you love today!

Today makes 4 weeks since I started this, and I’m down 14.5 pounds! I am so happy with my progress, and I am grateful that I made the decision to change a month ago. God knows where I would be today, probably 5 pounds heavier than ever! I asked J not to buy me chocolate for V-day because it would be a waste of money. I am having a treat today, my supervisor is bringing in a bagel breakfast for us, and she told me she will bring in a whole grain bagel for me. I don’t eat bagels for breakfast anymore, but I can make an exception on one day, especially if it’s whole grain.

Thankfully my sister and I made up yesterday, and I am SO happy about that. I hate arguing with her!

I am very happy today! :)

Kind of sad...

Happy Monday! Ugghhh, my weekend was way too short. I still have stuff left to do like laundry and food shopping, I didn’t manage to get those things done this weekend. Saturday was super cold, so the little one and I stayed home. He had fun playing all day, and I worked on my fitness. Did Ultimate Abs, Ultimate Arms, and I did Leslie Sansone’s 2 Mile Walk two times. We had some family time yesterday, went to Boston Market for lunch since there are lots of healthy options, then went to the mall. Yesterday was my rest day from working out, but we walked a lot at the mall.

My sister and I had a huge fight yesterday morning. I don’t know if it’s repairable, but I hope so. She is hurt by some things I’ve done and ditto for me. I’m hoping we will make up, but the ball is in her court this time because I am always the one to try and mend things. We only have each other, so I really don’t want to fight, but I can’t always be the one to apologize.

I was very stressed because of our fight, but I’m glad I didn’t rush to comfort food. I just let myself FEEL the emotions rather than just stuff them away along with some junk food to go with it. This is my life now, I need to learn to live with a new “normal”. The old way wasn’t working for me, that’s for sure!

I am very excited! Today I registered for the NYC Pancreatic Cancer Research Walk on May 6th! So far, we have a team of 6 people. We hope to raise $500. I am going to make butterfly hair clips for little girls & babies to sell as a fundraiser for the walk. I chose butterflies, because every time my sister and I see one, we think of my mom. My mom passed away last May, so it is very fitting to do this in her honor this May. I am so glad I started getting into shape now so the walk will be a piece of cake!

I have been told by a few co-workers, including my boss, that I am dropping the pounds! I feel great when that happens, it reinforces my motivation!! I was a rock star yesterday, I walked 36 blocks during my lunch break and I did a cardio dvd when I got home. It’s becoming an addiction! LOL

Such a difference

I’ve dieted in the past, but I have never placed such an emphasis on healthy choices. I used to eat a lot of low fat or fat free snacks like Snackwell’s, 100 calorie packs, etc. I think those choices are a hundred times better than chips and candy bars, and I’m not saying I will never eat any of those. But I have placed more importance on eating fruits, veggies, whole grains and lean protein this time around. I eat half of what I used to, and I don’t go to bed hungry. I am completely satisfied throughout the day. When I used to eat a lot of fast food, pizza, subs, etc., I was always hungry afterward. It’s so fascinating to me that I eat less now, and I am less hungry. It’s amazing how much the quality of my food affects my hunger level. After eating a small and healthy dinner I am so full that I get taken aback.

One thing that is working for me is preparation. I buy lots of healthy produce, and I bring plenty to work each day so I won’t stay hungry. I would not want to waste the food, so I make sure to eat it each day. If I am going out to eat, I make sure to snack on a piece of fruit so I am not starving by the time I get there. There is a healthy choice to be found at every restaurant and many taste really good!

Thank God for Pandora on my Blackberry. I turn on the Pitbull music station when I go for my lunch time walks. I don’t have an Ipod, so I rely on this for motivation! The music is so upbeat and fast, it keeps my spirits up. Now I look forward to my walks! It’s the only time that is truly MINE.

Yesterday I stayed home, but I didn’t waste the day. I did an Ultimate Arms and Ultimate Abs workout, cleaned, took the baby to the park for a little while and did a 60 minute cardio DVD when I came back. My muscles were crying this morning, but I love it! It’s a reminder of how good it feels to workout.

Three weeks today!!

Okay, so this morning I gave in and weighed myself {ducking my head}, don't be mad, okay? ;)

The results: I've lost 3.5 since Thursday!

For me, waiting a full month is just torture. I am going to weigh myself once a week. That is so much more bearable for me, and it's still a hundred times better than weighing myself multiples times a day which was my pattern before!

Today makes three weeks since I've begun this journey. 21 days. Kayla, you said once you make changes for 21 days, it becomes a habit. I believe it! This is part of my life now. I've lost 12 pounds in three weeks. I am active every day. I eat so much more cleaner and healthier. I've actually lost 17 pounds since New Year's Eve! My next weigh-in {promise!} will be next Tuesday.

So, last night was horrible for me. While playing, my son fell down on his train set on the floor. He landed on his belly on top of it. He was screaming and when I picked him up, blood came streaming out of his mouth. Our first thought out of fear was that he had some sort of internal bleeding because of the way he landed on the train set. While freaking out, we called the ambulance. By the time they came, he calmed down and was acting normal. We realized he probably cut his tongue with his tooth, but we had him go to the ER just to make sure he was okay. Turns out he did cut his tongue, and was fine overall. But that split second when the worst ran through our minds was the most horrible moment. I pray that we never ever experience a moment like that again. I am home with him today because we came home around 2am and I'm exhausted.

Happy Monday! What a crazy weekend of running around. I was super busy and very productive. Watched the Super Bowl and was so happy that my NY team won! Go Giants!!

It was sooooo hard not to weigh myself this weekend. I didn’t though. I felt like I would let you guys and myself down, so I managed to keep away from the scale. I am counting down the days until I can, though! Three weeks and three days! LOL

On a more serious note, I had a lot of self reflection going on this weekend. I have been through quite a lot my whole life even since childhood. I always felt strong because of it. But my most defining experiences over all have been becoming a mother and losing my mother. After losing her, I became the weakest I have ever been. I was on the verge of breaking down. I was literally on the edge of losing it. I felt abandoned by God.

Something shifted in me when we entered a new year. I felt a sense of peace and strength. I felt ready to look forward to the future and accomplish my dreams because I’ve learned how short life truly is. I want to be the best mom I could be. I want to be the best person I could be. I feel stronger than I’ve ever felt before, and I know I can handle whatever life throws my way. I am looking forward to pushing myself in many different ways. I also feel closer to God than ever before, He is my rock.

I am not the same person I once was. I’m not as naïve and I’ve lost some of my innocence & happy-go-lucky attitude. But I am so much stronger than before.

I read something this weekend:

When something bad happens to you, you can let it:

A. Define you
B. Destroy you
C. Strengthen you

I choose C!

Really??

Wow. My co-worker just told me that I’ve inspired her to get on a health kick. She’s eating healthier and thinking of joining a gym because of seeing my progress! She is not even overweight, so that felt even more flattering to me! I’VE inspired someone else to get healthier?!?! Me??

Another co-worker is beginning to eat healthier too. We are both about the same size, and she said I’m almost making her want to jump on the healthy bandwagon LOL.

What a nice way to end the week! :) :)

Just workin' on my fitness {I love Missy Elliott}

My job provides parking for me in one of the other buildings they own about 8 long blocks away. It used to take me about 10 minutes to walk from there to work, especially because some of the blocks are very uphill. This morning, I checked the time. It took me 6 minutes and that includes a minute that I stopped at the store to grab a healthy sandwich for lunch. So really it took 5 minutes! Half the time it took me less than three weeks ago! I used to be out of breath because I was rushing in order to get to work on time, now I noticed it’s easy-peasy for me.

These are the markers of my progress that I am looking for since I’m not stepping on the scale! March 1st would have been my Mom’s 51st birthday, so I decided to weigh in on that day. :)

A Challenge {because I don't have enough of them, right?? LOL}

There is one challenge I need to conquer: The Scale.

As much as I know it’s not healthy to weigh yourself each day, I can’t help myself. I am drawn to the damn thing. Now before I see myself re-enacting a scene from Brokeback Mountain tomorrow morning {“I just can’t QUIT you!”}, I am going to set up a challenge.

I will not weigh myself for one month. {Gasp!}

I feel like I’m kicking the butt of every obstacle I face EXCEPT this one. I don’t like that. I don’t want to feel consumed by the damn scale. This is SO not going to be easy for me, but I know I can do it. I’m not even sure of my full reasoning of waiting a month, but it feels like the right thing for me to do right now. I think if I can hold out for 30 days, it will loosen the reigns of my desire to weigh in every day because I will look for results in other places like my stamina and clothing size.

I am writing this here because I want to feel accountable for my actions and if I just tell myself I won’t, well I may not pay attention to myself tomorrow morning. So I’m putting it out there for the bloggy world to see.

Non Scale Victory!

When I went to pick up the baby last night, I saw that {as usual} my mother in law made dinner. Fried chicken and arroz con salchichas {yellow rice with little sausages}. One of my favorite meals of hers! Instead of even having a small portion, I turned it down despite her dismay and little guilt trip LOL. I realized there was NOTHING healthy about that meal, and I wouldn’t feel good after I ate it. I realize that in life I am allowed to treat myself once in a while, that is normal and healthy even, but I felt like it might be trigger food because I like it so much, and I would rather eat a healthy wrap at home.

Maybe it’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but at that moment it felt HUGE!

I lost a pound of the 1.5 I gained, but I decided that I won’t weigh myself again until a week later. I don’t want the number to play games with my head, and I’d rather focus on the positive things I am doing! I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and felt proud of the changes I am making. I can see them already!

Regarding my post earlier in the day: I don't care what the scale said. I *know* I've been eating really well. I *know* I've been busting my butt with exercise. My clothes are getting baggy, my stamina is increased and people are noticing my weight loss. I am doing amazing, and that scale can shove it. :)

This is very odd. I have been very consistent with my healthy eating, and exercising even more than before. The scale has shown that I gained 1.5, however my clothes are way looser than even a few days ago. What is going on? I am going to continue with what I'm doing because I am confident that I am doing that right thing, yesterday I did two one hour workouts! It's just strange to see the scale going up and not down with all that I am doing....